Bernard Stone

2008-11-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

Emily Ryan has a bunch of new clothing up for sale on her Etsy store. Jumpers, rompers and dresses. Emily Ryan Will have more coming soon.

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6245787
Emily Ryan

Vibrational Energy

2008-07-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

Selenite

This year, the idea of vibrational energy has come into my life. The vibration idea I am experiencing is the one that has to do with our bodies, our cells, the nature of things in our surrounding environments. It has to do with cell phones, animals, pain, happiness, sound, nature, everything. It is the idea that our dna is made up of not just codes, but also of active vibrational frequencies that can effected by vibrations around us. Part of the ideas behind crystal healing, is the idea that crystals have a specific frequency of vibration that restores the energy in our body to a natural state, one in which our body and emotions are in balance. It is clear that emotional distress causes pain in the body. I have read that some drug induced spiritual explorations can bring about a permanent change in the vibrations of the body. DNA gets altered. I have heard it argued that music gets into dna, rhythm, dancing, ways of interacting with others. You can reshape your energy, but I believe a lot is stored. I think pain disrupts the body in ways that are difficult to mend. We are surrounded by vibrating things and I think these might effect us more than we know. Cell phones, and the newer cell phone technologies, using more and more bandwidth are filling the air with vibrations. All our cells are being disrupted. I set up a crystal matrix in my work area using selenite wands and an orgonite dome. Some people's cell phones don't work here.
I believe living things naturally produce good vibrations.
Food carries the energy of its living. Sometimes after eating at restaurants using questionable quality meats, I may feel terrible. There are bites of pork that have good pork flavor, but then there is a bite where I might feel a wave of nausea spread through my body. I have had this happen a few times. Much more often though, I have had the bliss of good foods, prepared well.

Korean food

2008-01-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

Hae Rim may be my favorite place to eat as of this winter. The Korean restaurant is located in Beaverton on the back side of the large strip mall. Every dish I have had there has been amazing and the staff is really nice. The bimbibop is really good, there are lots of pickles served with the meal that I have never had elsewhere. I really like the beef marrow soups, and the rice cake soup. The rice cakes are so springy! Almost every dish seems to have at least some tiny bits of meat in it. So delicious! Also, kids I have seen at this place seem to be excited about the food in a way that kids are usually only excited about desserts. So many flavors! So fun!

Food lessons

2007-11-05T12:08:00.001-08:00

Food has made me laugh, cry, pound tables and freak out in many ways. Friday I got completely stoned out of my mind off a japanese udon recipe. The dish was fox style udon from the Washoku cookbook by Elizabeth Andoh. It was amazing. A friend of mine brought back some rishiri konbu from a trip to Tokyo for me so I was able to make the soup using high grade seaweed. I have never enjoyed udon served at restaurants. I have clearly never had a good bowl of udon. This dish was rich and flavorful, containing chunks of fish sausage, fried tofu triangles, and spinach to include in bites. The broth was very different from the broth of another udon recipe in the same book. This one had a citrusy quality or something fresh and bright ringing or darting about inside. I hallucinated a bit after eating a bit and tipping back the broth. It was like long silver strands were intertwined and winding their way down my throat. I thought of the little sardines that flavored the broth, their bright flashiness, the softness of the seaweed moving with the tide. This all came with just broth and a slurped udon noodle. It put me on the floor, giggling, stoned feeling for almost a minute. I closed my eyes and put my face in the bowl for a while, trying to more intensely feel those scent parts moving through me.
I have been watching the anime show "Cooking Master Boy" and I feel I have learned things from it. It is a kids show but it is about cooking and it is about food in an intense way. They talk about removing bitterness from foods, about tastes that are in foods based on which region they grow in, and your intent and energy you use while you cook. The show has wild food hallucinations by people eating and judging food competitions. One thing that struck me was some people enjoying a food because it felt so bouncy and playful in the mouth. In the show there are noodles that pop in delightful ways when they break. Whole shows are devoted to talking about and fine tuning bounciness of noodles. They cover the techniques as well, which are sometimes fairly straight forward, like the use of lye water, and occasionaly fantastic, such as pulling noodles until they are over 50 ft long, but always the ideas are exciting. The show makes thinking about food more rich. It is wonderful thinking that because of a dish I might have a hallucination of waves crashing over me, or the sparkle of constellations at night. It makes me sad that there has never been such a show for american children. I made Mao Po tofu and found out about the "ma" flavor of Scheshuan pepper due to this cartoon. I have also changed how I appreciate food in terms of mouthfeel and have cooked many many more chinese recipes. It is too bad this show is only available as a fansubbed download from the internet.
I believe that the biannual smoking of salvia has made me more prone or open to having these wonderful food hallucinations. The tingingling and pressures in my brain feel similar.

comfort

2007-06-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

I unconsciously manage my exposure to most strangers. There are many places I go regularly where I am really happy and comfortable. There are a few familiar people around the places. Everything else makes me horribly uncomfotable.

New technology

2007-06-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

Soon a new technology will be unveiled that will changes the way we live. Unfortunately this technology will cause electrical intereference that increases irritation and anxiety levels in humans by a factor of 10.

nature, ruined

2007-06-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

I went to Larch mountain recently to watch the sunset and a full moon rise over mount hood. Amazing spectacle. I feel like the intense colors of a sunset seen from a mountain are somehow healing or stimulating for the body. Color therapy. The night was rather clear and the only other people at the lookout were two foreign couples. Everyone was quite and happy. There was a small breeze and the air was comfortably warm. My girlfriend and I were pretty happy. Everyone left before the moon rose. We were alone on the mountain and it was nice. Later, just as the moon was glowing through a cloud just starting to come I loud car came blaring up the mountain from far away, music blasting as loud as the engine. The car turned off and was followed by several loud "WOOOOO!" s and then some car doors slamming. A crew of young idiots showed up. 4 or 5 guys and 2 girls. They were so dumb I could barely handle it. Their conversations were obnoxious and invasively loud. They first joked about how long they had been drinking already that night. Meaning, I had to leave at a time when they were definately not leaving to avoid their drunk driving on the windy mountain road. Then they talke about suicide via jumping down a nearby cliff, and then grossed each other out with possible death scenerios which they actually freaked themselves out with. "dude, this morbid talk is NOT COOL, can we change the subject?" They were like clones. They had the same agressive tones in their voices used for every statment that generic dudes anywhere might use. They talked about hunting deer and carrying rifles on Columbia Gorge trails stricly meant for hiking and NOT hunting and how hikers looked at them and were so freaked out. Durrharr hharr ha. Fuck. They talked of a friend who would climb out to some area there that is not scary at all but talked about how it was totally stupid of this person to do such a thing, and how he had NOTHING TO LIVE FOR so it didn't matter for him. I like crawling out on that spot. Such people are an incredible disappointment.
I live in way that I see a very select few people in my week. I like everyone at my work. I like the places that I shop. I like the people at the restaurants I go to. I am not forcefully exposed to much else. I am able to forget about SO MANY people.

My mother said to me after her mom died, " you know, I can finally understand why someone would kill another person, it really makes the problems you have with them go away"

forgetting and avoiding is good enough for me.

Calea

2007-06-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

This year I have been using various drugs to enhance dreaming. I have smoked calea zacatechichi and mugwort together on many occasions. I tried drinking it as tea but it was so bitter I almost threw up. The first time I smoke calea I became drowsy and began having visually intense and engrossing dreams right away, before falling asleep. Each time I smoke it I feel a sense of crispness first. Like standing in a cool river on a hot day, there is a cleansing feeling to it. Objects around me have felt more seperate from the things around them, the knowledge of their potential is more ready in my eye. For instance, looking at the phone, I FEEL its many possibilities all at once. Ringing, dialing, changing ring sounds, the sound of a speed dial, off the hook sound, thud of falling on the floor, pressing battery cover back in... All these things are instantly and very present.

Dreams usually get intense for 3-5 days after smoking. They are rarely of the fantastic sort, but usually more of people that I have daily contact with in strange situations. My relationships with people may be different in a dream; Different affinity, different common interests. These dreams have formed memories about people that creep very close to invading and changing my real -life thoughts of people. I will see them and remember something so strongly— o the last time we hung out we were on a slip and slide listening to gangster rap, and someone slid over your cat ,, o NO that was not real— I don't immideately dismiss the memory. Sometimes in a dream I will be good friends with someone who I am merely an acquantence.

Twice now I have had strange red spots around my eye. The first red spot appeared under my eye. It was a purpel oval. Completely painless. I went to a thai restaurant whos owner is very into meditating. I have had conversations with him about meditation, tai chi and yoga. He said- oo you have a purple spot, very good meditating! He is kind of crazy so I was not able to ask him what that meant. This week a day or two after smoking again I found a broken blood vessel in my right eye. I was terrified at first, thinking there was some thing buried in the white of my eye causing it to fill with blood. A coworker had recently had an eye injury and had told me there are not pain sensing nerves in the white area of the eye, explaining why I could not feel it. I tried to touch the spot and became very faint. I was all ready to try to start digging aroung in there, but I did not, as good judgement kicked in. This injury set off american medical system anger, lack of insurance, medical cost freakouts. Do I go to the doctor? Is this worth it? Will I be ok? I figured out that I was ok. The only problem is that I cannot determine a cause.

After months of occasional consumption I am convinced that there is a dilation of blood vessels that comes on after taking the drug. Like the tendrils in the brain become slightly engorged and they rub against one another, electricity jumping about. Memories, feelings, random dreams stir together and more connections are opened.

when I smoke cigarettes lately I feel things constricting and quickening. I feel my whole body as thousands of little tendrils, curling in on themselves. I remember a time when I did not feel like this.

Portland food favorites 1

2007-05-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

Genies: Tasso Benedict, Huevos Rancheros
Tan Dinh in Fubonn: vietnamese crepe with shrimp and pork, Ground beef special, young coconut
Malay Satay hut: Roti Canai appetizer
Simpatica dining hall: whatever incarnation of the Savory crepes is available
Pad Thai kitchen: pad thai, yen ta fo soup
Podnah's Pit: Pork ribs, Beef brisket sandwich, Pecan Pie
Green Papaya in SE: Lamb curry bread bowl, sugarcane shrimp
No Fish Go Fish: cream of garlic soup, split pea soup
L'astra: Gnocchi, Tarts, Gougeres, and smoked trout dishes are usually outstanding
Navarre: any simple vegetable dish
Viende meats in Portland city market- Bunny patté. eaten with bread, cornichons, mustard, and some pickled onions.

fake money

2007-04-09T13:32:00.000-07:00

I have recieved fake money twice in the past 5 months. The first was a five dollar bill recieved as change at the ARCO gas station on SE 39th and Belmont. I called the secret service about that one hoping to be able to deliver the money in person to an agent. Instead, they told me to mail it to them. So I took pictures of myself burning and it to light a cigarette. I recieved a fake ten dollar bill this weekend from the Trader Joe's on NE Sandy, in the Hollywood district. Both bills were incredibly shoddily made, and had small rips fixed with tape. Both worn a little bit. I do not pay attention to money. I refuse to be made to pay attention due to repeadet fake money experience.

turn signals

2007-03-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

why don't people use them any more? for parking? for turning? changing lanes?

yen ta fo

2007-03-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

yen ta fo
Originally uploaded by cporridge.

Yen ta fo, a Thai soup available in many Los Angeles and San Francisco Thai restaurants is strangely unavailable in Portland. It is a red spicy mixed seafood soup with noodles, spinach or morning glory, and often topped with a wonton. A couple years ago I requested the soup at Thai Restaurants across Portland with no luck. Proprieters told me - "no white people like that soup" (whispered), or "too difficult to make", or simply looked at me quizically. Its a nice soup, and the difficulty in finding it makes it kind of more delicious when it is available. After months of trying different Thai restaurants I tried Pad Thai Kitchen (2309 SE Belmont St Portland). The charismatic hostess here was totally tickled that I requested the soup. The first time I asked she told me she could make it but that I should come back at a less busy time because it takes up some time in the kitchen to make. I go back once every month or too to request Yen Ta Fo soup. I hope other people do too. Pad Thai Kitchen serves their Yen Ta Fo with a generous assortment of squid, fish balls, prawns, and large scallops. Since it is not a regular menu item they don't always have wontons or morning glory and often substitute spinach. Most of the dishes at the Pad Thai Kithen are quite good, the pad thai might be my favorite in Portland.

carnivore eyes

2007-02-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

My peripheral vision has gone dead. My eyes ache on a daily basis. On the occasion that I get hi, I usually have an experience kind of like this. An experience where I bump into things and have a faulty perception of the proximity of all objects. I am not bumping into things though. I am however, kicking things with my feet and walking in front of cars. According to the news there is an 'social epidemic' of people walking in front of cars. Checking phones, blackberries, i-pods. I wam walking in front of traffic without such distractions. I know the feeling, the difference between my peripheral awareness being entact and being broken. I considered diet as a cause.
I am eating very very well lately. Crepes at Loveley hula hands are delcious and perhaps surpass the amazing pork crepes that were served at Simpataca for a while. The spanish family supper at Clark Lewis was also amazing. The outstanding dish was an earthy 'cinnamon scented' cous cous. All the japanese dishes I have been eating from Madhur Jafferey's Far East cook book have bee outstanding. I have been euphoric from dinner on a daily basis. I have had a wide variety of nutrients. Maybe too much rich food? I don't know.
Only being able to notice things happening directly in front of me makes me really terrified though. I need the side vision. If I go dancing I might bump into a person or hit them with an arm. At night my eyes cannot focus well. Everything goes hazy, doubles. My right eye feels as if it is stuffed with dry crumpled cardboard.
Food cannot fix everything. But maybe I will prescribe a melon for myelsf.

A cold clot

2007-01-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

I have been approaching environments lately with strong expectations. I have thoughts when I enter extremeley crowded rooms that I will become extremely nervous being there, and inevitably need to leave. This is from experience, but should not nessecarily be the case every time. I have thoughts theat if I smoke pot in such a crowded environment I will become overwhelmed. These things are not nessecarily true. I have been relying on rules about different situations a little too heavily lately, and letting them predefine things that could otherwise be new and perfectly fun and wonderful. When I a approach a situation with ideas of what it will be I find myself looking for and expecting certain things to happen to my mood, to how I feel and probably only cause certain negative attitudes to perpetuate. I have been looking at myself as existing with chunks of pain and unresolved issues. In the present I am ok. Holding onto these things isn't making me a better person. It isn't helping me face people in a more considerate or compassionate manner. These things are a hinderance, and I have been holding onto them as a definition of myself. I had this ______ experience and so I will explain myself in these terms. The terms are not relevant. They once may have been, the terms should be fluid, never fixed. Everytime they become fixed, experience becomes limited.
Some self defining terms have become rationalities for hiding and not engaging in life, for not beaing eager to delve into new adventures. One time a meal gave me digestive problems, so I avoid all incartations of the combined ingredients. The citrus avacaod and oils...
I am working on a movie now that I was resistent to trying because it involved using a technique I had already used in a past film, instead of a new experience. I liked the technique though, part of it involves hiking and learning about details of environments and the other part is intense organization into more and more specific categories, also fun!

Reducing the power of memories

2007-01-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

People are in my water. I feel them coming out when I sweat. I should probably spend a long time steaming, or in a sauna, emptying myself. There is science that has shown that proximity of humans exhibiting different emotions change the shape of water molecules. As our bodies are made of so much water it makes sense that water in our body would then be changed by peoples response to us and our own self image. I imagine these stored emotional experiences creating patches of different textures, different viscosity. The experiences get in my blood, and in my heart.
I feel like maybe I have been seeping out impressions, waters made into shapes and texutes that are particular to experiences with different people. I think the waters build with a proximity to any person. And some waters stay, until a strong concentrated feeling comes to change shake them out of their shape.

I wonder if the 'chemistry' we feel with people is our molecule shapes, orientations, and charges, magnetically reacting to one another. Like, the shapes just tingle if they have certain numbers of edges. A new lover can change your water, and reacts with waters already there to make a totally exciting amazing new fluid. A fluid that pulses, and buzzes, effervesces, twists and boils through can come. Like in alchemy when dry waters and fiery waters react to create mercury or whatever they were always trying to make.
Some people have left large imprints in me, rearranged such a large volume of my fluids. There are shapes in me that I would like to expell, to turn to a mist, or drip away. It would be nice if the time it takes to clear out the waters out of oneself was merely the time it takes to sweat, but they move around, there are many areas for them to rest, undisturbed, for a long long time.

Nail Damage

2006-09-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

I nearly wept this morning when I discovered that my fingernails seem to have become slimmer. More finger flesh is exposed on the sides. The nails are perhaps more convex. This change does not sit well with me. I assume it has something to do with a lack of strong pressures beneath my fingers. I am typing and mouse clicking when the pressures beneath my fingers from tree climbing or door slamming might have kept them wider, and in my mind, proper.

Missing teeth

2006-09-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

I want more feral energy on my body lately, applied to my skin. I want to hang with people who randomly bite. I suppose I can bear the feral energy. It is so much more surprising and exciting if its someone else doing the biting or random outburst though. I want to be on gaurd, alert and energized by a mild sense of danger. I bit my own hand a lot last night to see how much different amounts of biting might feel. I don't want to hurt anyone. I am thinking of growing a beard again to help support the barbain fashion style I want to throw myself into this winter. People get cosmetic surgery, gold teeth. I kind of want a very slight enlargement of my canine teeth. I am impressed by such perminant decisions.
i don't want to live in an environment of violence, just one of surprises.

a brightness today, shopping is rewarding

2006-09-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

I did not have an appetite this week. I ate more out of habit, and desire to taste things. I did not have any fatigue or irritability that I usually have when I don't eat. I assume that my body simply has all the nutrients it needs right now. I went to the farmers market this morning without eating breakfast and bought a bag of green tomatoes, some long beans, some smokled salmon, a bag of heirloom tomatoes to stuff with lentils, and a frozen rabbit. Sahagún reopened this week and I had some of my favorite hot chocolate and assorted chocolates after going a month without them. Elizabeth made some new fake lava nougats out of the perfumy tasting arriba chocolate that I LOVE. I am so happy the store is open again. Leaving the shop with a bag full of chocolates to give to friends for their birthdays, I felt the intense chocolate euphoria that makes me feel better than any drug I can think of. I like to shop when filled with choclate fumes. The danger of chocolate fueled shopping is that everything seems like the best thing ever to buy right at that moment. I began my chocolate fueled shopping spree by going to the liquor store to buy some Glayva.
When I went to check out I realized that I had cradled in my arms, nearly a hundred dollars worth of alcohol. I put some back.
I danced my way down the street to Kiehls and replenished my supply of cucumber soap and collected a sack of various samples. I felt so good from the chocolate, so light, so animated. Like- lead, or less dramatic wooden weights dropped away to leave me feeling very free. I hopped around other pedestrians as if I were invisible, as if they were merely boundaries that I could not touch. They would buzz. I went to St. Honore and ate one of their delicious Croissants and drank several glasses of water while reading Color Insulting to Nature. Buying all these things in NW portland, around people I do not relate to, made me consider my identity momentarily. I used to talk so much trash about west side Portland. I like all the same things these people with lots of money have. But I do not share their attitudes about life, I know this somehow. By hearing them talk? Regardless, the chocolate brightened my body. Made me insanely happy.
Tonight I drank countless teapots of oolong tea prepared in the Gong Fu style. Steam rose and opened the pores in my face. The smell of the first brewing entered my skin. I drank and drank, it tasted so good. I looked up from reading into a mirror in my room and was startled by how bright white my eyes had become since I had started drinking tea that evening. They are rarely so startlingly bright.

A new joke

2006-08-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

I learned a new joke this weekend. Its really good for using on strangers. You walk up to someone who is talking to a friend of yours and say "excuse me but we need a minute alone" while holding up a hand up to the stranger as if to say please back away and do not speak. While this is very rude, it is also very funny, especially in a public space. I got three different people to use it already. With hilarious results! I told it to a friend while holding the celery stalks. He responded by shoving me and holding the watermelon and yelling "we need, like, five minutes alone."

A rude awakening

2006-07-31T14:04:00.000-07:00

I did not sleep Saturday night. I laid in bed from about 2 until 4:30 trying to sleep. It was difficult and frustrating. When I gave up and decided to not sleep I felt relieved and excited. I color corrected some photos and then it occured to take pictures of myself in bed with my picthfork. We spooned, I rested my head in the curve of its tines, we slept next to each other. The pitchfork did not think it was as hilarious as I did though. I had to laugh alone. I used to put grapefruits in my bed. Sometimes pumellos. Just before six I decided to call my friend Peter who is visiing from New York. It was his first day in town and I figured he would still be waking up according to New York time. The week preceeding his arrival he threatened me repeatedly with a "rude awakening" when he got to Portland. I ran into him at the Oregon art Biennial and there was no rude awakening, but he claimed that when I got home I would find one. There were two hang ups on my answering machine nothing else.

The next morning at 6 am it was Peter who recieved the rude awakening. I called him at 5:50 to tell him I was in bed with a pitchfork and was not able to sleep. He didn't answer the first time I called. According to him the phone was on a cement floor and in vibrate mode. He did not like the sound of his new bright pink phone rattling on the floor. At the second call he realized that someone might be trying to call and leave him a series of messages, this would cause the phone to vibrate for a very long time keeping him from any further sleep. He answered wih a groggy questioning voice "hello?" and I yelled "Hello, Peter, this is your ruuuuuuude awaking!" Then I invited him to breakfast at Simpatica . It didn't open until nine. By about 7:30 the sleep deprivation feelings started kicking in strong. The walls vibrated and my feet felt unnaturally light. Everything made me feel out of sorts. I picked up Peter from his house and we went to Tiny's so he could get the first of his many cups of coffee for the day. He says he drinks coffee continually until his skin hurts. 1 gallon?

We were very early for breakfast and so we walked around Burnside area. Ate some blackberries from a street side bush. Peter "did not trust" the blackberrie bush because another plant was growing and tangled within it.

We made fun of buildings, made fun of some dirt and gravel. We entered a cafe and stood for a minute or two and left. We walked by Le Pigeon and I wanted to look at the menu but then I thought I recognized someone working there and became frightened and decided I could not look at the menu right then. It wasn't even a real recognition, it was just someone who I thought worked SOMEWHERE ELSE. Sometimes when I am sleep deprived random feelings startle me. Familiarity, hunger, cold doorknob, hair matted together... It turned out it wasn't even the person who I thought worked elsewhere. After reading the menu I suggested that we have a second breakfast there after our first at Simpatica. Pork belly on a waffle sounded really delicious.
Breakfast was amazing. I had a hash under eggs, Peter had crepes with bacon and misc stuff inside. The crepes were amazing and had a rich and succulant meat filling.
We picked up Nathan at Rachael's house and then left for Tiny's again for more coffee. It was fun for me to appear at Tiny's multiple times simply to mill about.
Peter lost his glasses somewhere and we were all planning to see a movie at noon. We had to find his glasses so he could watch the movie. He thought they might be under the front porch at his parents house. We drove there and soon his mother came out with a power drill and began pulling up boards. The glasses did not appear to be there. He thought they might have been there because the glasses slip from his pocket when he sits down.
He made calls and found out he left them at the restaurant. I drove him back there. I was cold and each time I put the heat on he complained.
On 33rd and sandy Peter convulsed wildly in the car as a dance to a song that was on. A passenger in a nearby car reached her hand out and flipped him off and yelled something. Passenger to passenger road rage, on a Sunday morning!
I let him out of the car a little up the street from Simpatica and he walked slowly to get his glasses. Inusltingly slowly. I drove behind him, really closely and honked repeatedly as a response to his slowness. He tried to lead me onto the sidewalk and into a fire hydrante, but he could not trick me! I would trick him. I drove back into the street and turned the heat on full blast and pointed all the vents towards his seat while he was inside retrieving his glasses. Nathan said, hey wait, isn't this more of a trick on us? being really hot?" I turned the heat off right before he got back in the car so he wouldn't hear the fans going. He got in and yelled "why is is to HOT in here" and I laughed like I had just pulled off the best practical joke ever. I was very proud of myself.

Nathan, Peter, and I went to Lloyd center mall where I took a couple hunded pictures of mall interiors before a security gaurd told me I could not take pictures there. He asked me who told me I could do that. I did not know who I could name. I was shooting backgrounds for a music video. I found many more backgrounds with nice spacy, sci-fi looking shapes than I thought I would. I always think about tanning when I am in the mall.

Late nights

2006-07-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have been working on a video for Thom Yorkes new album. I have been at work until about 1 to 2 am the past couple nights. Last night I decided to dj a dance party at work. There were about 8 or 9 other people working till late.

.

Soon everyone had a bounce in their walk, heads bounced behind computer screens, meanwhile I ran from room to room dancing in bare feet and shorts. I was waiting on other things to do and made it my job to dance in different rooms. My friend Ryan exclaimed- you seem so happy! Since my vacation, I have been.

Bloody face, Fake Banister flip

2006-07-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

My primary interest in making films in the next few years is to expand or change possibililties for given situations. Every space and object is coded through experience for its socially accepted use. You might see a drinking fountain and then visualize leaning over to drink at it, or your body might feel the drinking of water. You know how it will feel against your lips. You probably know how it feels to press a thumb against it. Every object has its set of uses that expand the body and its relation to the world.

I am working on a movie of dancing in the mall. I started making one months ago about drying a face off with paper towells after washing or rinsing the face with water. In a series of shots of faces being dried, different amounts of rubbing would be performed, eventually to the point of reddinging and drawing blood from the face through such extreme drying. The idea was that you could look at a paper towell and after watching this drying movie, have an extended range of possibility for what the paper towel could do to your face. Hollywood already gives us expanded potentials with cars, jumping and fighing, throwing knives, doing all sorts of amazing things.

the walk

2006-07-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

When I was 18 or 19 years old I was walking down the street with my father and someone observed how we were the same height and shared the same walk. Something about that really bothered me. While in college I began changing my walk every minute or so when I traveled anywhere. I turned my ankles to different angles, inward and outward, forward and back so that my step made contact at different points on my foot; toes, then a roll over the in-side ball of the foot, or heel followed by outer toes, with no big toe contact. I limped. I opened and closed my fingers, turned my hands to different angles, flapping out behind me, or gliding in parallel with my legs. I intended to consciously confuse and rewrite my bodies memory of movement. All the tensions on the limbs had been felt in the same way for so many years. Eventually I felt like I had made some changes. At this point I was very consciously effecting my gait at all times.
On trips back to Portland to see my parents I walked with my dad to the park or to the store and tried to let my body walk naturally, as one lets breathing happen. I tried to note if my limbs were accelerating similarly, occupying the same space, and the same angles. On my first return home after trying to cut-up my walk, I did not have much success. When I went back to college I got more aggressive, adding dance moves into the walk. I developed a spy-like dash and stop kind of walking that became natural. It involved feeling like all people and objects in a space were things to navigate around at high speeds,like in a video game maybe. Still, on my next trip home I found my inherited walk was still living in my limbs. It was the year of injuries which finally changed me.
During one year I experienced two injuries that changed my walk dramatically. The first was a sprained ankle. I was descending a stair case and at the bottom, on flat ground, I stepped strangely and heard a gross sound in my foot. The pain was so bad with the sprain that I nearly passed out. I may have been dancing or hopping down the stairs. This injury caused me to limp for about a month. A month or two after that injury healed I stabbed myself in the leg with an exacto blade while constructing a set for an animation class. This injury caused me to limp on the other leg for about 2 months. The pain demanded that my body change. The only way to not feel pain was to change.

stabbed

If it takes so much work to make the body forget ways of traversing the world, it scares me to think it could take so much to change patterns of relating to people.

In a sad lunch

2006-06-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

there is only a pile of salt and vegetables for coating

gesturing with drinks

2006-06-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

I find it very offensive when people make gustures while holding a drink of any sort. Pointing with the tilted neck of a beer bottle, or broadly with a beer held loosley in the palm are both very unflattering gestures. Holding a Martini while motioning or demonstrating the height of something is just downright sloppy. In all likelihood, the drink will be spilled. I have witnessed far too many gestures lately with drinks in hand. I am embaressed by my peers and by myself for not making a greater effort to notify them of their mistakes. I, myself in an act of fragrant debauchery swirled scotch in a brandy snifter to point a guest's attention to the parting of clouds in front of a nearby mountain peak.

downright sloppy people. Sloppy.

people smell

2006-06-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

I hiked up Eagle Creek this weekend. It was beautiful. Mind clearing. In the pristine air I passed by many hikers, and unlike when I am in the city, I could smell them powerfully. Everyone smelled like a soap, a clothing detergent, or in rare cases, a food. It was strange that the strongest smells from living people who were excercising were not coming from their bodies. There was only one person that had sweaty body odor. Barely any people on the trail had just a normal human scent though. I hiked and jogged all the way up to tunnel falls, and even all the way up the only detectable effluvium was the smell of deoderant shampoo and soaps.

sopranos

2006-06-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

The Sopranos used to contain events. In season 6 it is 75% breathing sounds. Breathing sounds do not make an interesting program.

similar weeks hitched to each other

2006-06-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK INTERNET WORK WORK WORK EAT WORK INTERNET WORK WORK WORK BATHROOM WORK EAT WORK WORK WORK WORK STARE OUT THE WINDOW WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK INTERNET WORK WORK EAT WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK EAT WORK WORK WORK WORK STARE OUT THE WINDOW WORK INTERNET WORK MARTINI MARTINI MARTINI EAT EAT MARTINI CHOCOLATE WORK MUSIC SEQUENCE PHOTOSHOP MARTINI CANDLE SLEEP PHONE CONVERSATION CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE BATHROOM WORK WORK WORK CONVERSATION CONVERSATION WORK WORK INTERNET WORK WORK DEPRESSION WORK NAP WORK WORK MARTINI MARTINI CIGARETTE SIT THINK WRITE MUSIC SEQUENCE MARTINI PHONE CONVERSATION DOWNTOWN ART DISAPPOINTMENT CONVERSATION WALK WALK BIKE RIDE SCOTCH CONVERSATION WORK WORK WORK DEPRESSION WORK WORK WORK GRAPEFRUIT HAPPINESS!

fiddlehead ferns

2006-04-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

fiddlehead ferns

I bought fiddlehead ferns from the farmers market last weekend. I have been interested in trying to recreate a dish I had at the Japanese restaurant Soba Ya in NY. I remember that it had sesame seeds and a sweet pungent sauce over fiddleheads. I remember a complex and interesting sauce. The sauce I used was sesame oil, dark soy sauce, sugar and roasted sesame seeds. This was delicious but not as delicious as the flavor I can't recall.

kidney-stew

2006-04-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

kidney-stew

I prepared beef kidney stew last weekend. I used a kidney taken from a grass fed angus cow. I had never eaten kidney before. At first bite I thought it tasted a lot like liver. After a sip of wine to clear my palate however, the next bite transported me straight to some nice windswept pasture somewhere. It contained the flavors of one of those small farms you might pass by on a drive to the Oregon coast. The smell of the forest, the dry grass, the smell of a few cows, cow dung, they all seemed to be in encased in every bite. I am curious if this strong farm-like taste is attributable to the grass diet of the cow. The dish was fantastic! I felt really energized after eating it. I threw some free weights around and felt indefatigable.

I followed a James Beard recipe for this dish.

My favorite sensitivity

2006-03-13T10:58:00.000-08:00

fork stabber

I went out to breakfast sunday morning by myself at a very busy breakfast place. I sat at the bar, where you sit next to strangers as you have your breakfast. I was placed next to a nerdy looking man with cleanly trimmed hair, nothing askew. I was hung-over and nauseous from consuming too many different kinds of liquor the night before. My hands shook, my stomach trembled. This guy, he had the omelette in front of him. This guy ate in short stabbing motions, violent and fidgety. I became incredibly irritated by the motions of his hands. They represented an entire way of facing the world, his personality as a whole. I became more and more irritated as he ate. Quick stab stab stab STAB, quick STAB into the mouth. Fast violent chewing. Hairs on his forehead quivered from staccato of biting motions. I soon felt that I hated this man. He stopped every busy waitress that came near for idle chit chat. "where did you go last night, what did you do?" They all seemed somewhat familiar with him. I had to obscure my view of the guy with my hand held to my face to not be driven mad by him. Even then I could hear the quick tap tap tap of his fork on the plate. Why couldn't he approach his food with any grace? By the time my food came I couldn't bare to eat it. I was disgusted. I just looked at it, and wished it would disappear. Eventually the monster stopped eating and left. The echo of his presence was so strong I did not want to touch my silverware, fearing that it might tap and stab in my hands, as if the gesture might infect me. I started with a bite of toast, which was ok, because it was just my hands. Chewing calmed me down. After a few gestures, using only my hands to eat, I was able to relax my attention away from the fork. My hands became mine again as they delivered toast gently to my round mouth. Once I lifted a fork I was able to slowly, gently, disengage parts of the scramble and maneuver them onto my fork, and deliver them to my mouth, silently.

A joke

2006-02-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

Last week I joked with friends about sending cards for various dating activities. Such as, thank you for going out to dinner with me, thank you for making out with me, I really enjoyed that, etc. Then I got this in the mail:

I bet someone felt DIRTY after putting that in the mail.

26

2006-02-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

Quite possibly the best birthday yet. On birthdays I tend to reflect on my living conditions a bit more than usual and consider past years. I had three days of birthday celebration in a row, the first two being dinners. This birthday marks roughly a year since I began to have a sensual relationship with cooking. I really feel it has changed my life. Its like I have become friends and even a lover with many foods. I love both the pride and anxiety that goes into sharing meals. The act of presenting a dish says, "I think this is beautiful, I want you to share this beautiful experience with me."

I often like to cut things slowly, spend time feeling a mushroom split velvety under a knife, watch corriander seeds slowly fill a spoon. I get caught up in these small moments of food preparation. Its almost as if I want to be in the food, of the food, like if I could crumble myself into a dish I would be so happy. The experiences are the story of the meal that comes out, and having enjoyed touching and manipulating the food so much, smelling it in stages, I find that the eating is a conclusion that has so much more resonance. It is like every meal is the conclusion of a novel and it is satisfying having read the story leading up to it.

A year ago I could not tell chili powder from cayenne, from paprika. Now I know the colors, the tastes and smells of everything in my pantry, know them roasted, ground, cooked in oil, in meat, in vegetables. And being alive FEELS different for it.

I have spent years developing a palate for tea. I can smell them and know how a particular black tea will taste once steeped, and at different times. I have only just began tasting wines. Gaining a vocabulary. There are some tomatoes sold by a couple at the farmers markets in summer that I look forward to. They are better than any tomato I have ever had. There are several dishes I refuse to make until these tomatoes are again ripe and ready for me to cook with. I don’t see any reason why tomatoes or any other food couldn’t have as much range and possibility for flavors and notes as in tea or wine, chocolate or cheese. Could our brains handle knowing so many flavors though?

I want to know the stages of foods, the water the soil the sun, the sprout, the flower, the fruit. That is part of the story that can be known, and that might enhance a meal. When I first met a grapefruit tree after years of loving grapefruits more than any other food, it was somewhat of an erotic experience to touch the tree, to caress its limbs, sniff its bark, crumple its leaves, and to pluck and eat its fruit. It was like meeting an artist or filmmaker whose work I had admired for a long time. Except with people I would be exploring verbally and not sensually.

I have been reading a book about the Butoh dancer Kazuo Ohno that contains aphorisms that he uses to guide students. He demonstrates a state of mind from which movement can erupt natural in a way that is essential to Butoh dance. The ideas are for the most part universally applicable to food and living as they are to movement in dance. He had an acquaintance that published a poem about a son dying. Kazuo's idea of the person, how he related to him was always effected by this story, in how he felt talking to him about his own children, in not knowing whether to inquire about the dead son or not. He found out later there was never a son. But that story had so strongly colored his perception of the person. I feel it is important to choose the story that one inserts subtly out into the minds of others. Everything is reflective, changing peoples actions, changing feelings. Strengthening my relationship with the plants and elements of food colors everything with a glow of gold.

knowing the story of things

2006-02-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

Empathy, the ability to relate to people and places grows with every year of life. Experiences expand the view of things. If I lay mortar upon bricks, then, when I see bricks, I am aware, physically of the motions, textures, and sensations invovled in laying the brick. I can relate to their history in relation to the human body, my own in the past and others as a widespread connection. If I have mixed the clay and sand and sawdust and fired it into bricks, and mixed the lime mortar, then those physical memories, the motions of my body in the sitaution, the smells, textures of it, then memories of those elements are fused into the observation, the experience of 'brick'. If perhaps I were to gather the minerals and base ingridiants, then I have an even greater phyisical understanding of an apt building I am walking by on a city street. The envirnonments visited which supplied clay and sand may be linked at all times, enriching the environment. All this experience deepens my relationship to the world around me. I feel as I grow older, more and more connectivity with the world around me. I suppose that eventually that will allow to appriciate more people for who they are but right now most people just don't care enough for my taste, or care about things that I cannot bring myself to see as important. Earlier in my life I spent a lot of time exploring my outlook, my mental association with the world. I have much more time to spend exploring things physically, and I am happy to have the oppurtunity to.
I find that my body has fairly distinct memories of trees that I have climbed. Thost feelings are scattered all around Portland. Sometimes I feel their possibilities for climbing just by walking within a few blocks. Like walking by a restaurant and thinking of meals you have had there. Possibilities for experience in a given space can be expanded, almost always. Two of my friends danced together while standing in the waiting area of a restaurant. A chef yelled at them "WHAT ARE YOU DOING"? and they kept smiling and dancing.

after a party where I did some drugs

2006-02-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

my favorite part was sitting at opposite ends of the table with bartek. Him waiting for me to get wine so we could both eat at the same time. It was really a humorous thing to do in the midst of a party where everyone stands and sways and runs about.
I was in a bathroom for a long time laughing at walls and ceilings, taking pictures, and then I burst out and scared a bunch of people. And laughed and laughed, though the only thing that was funny was that there were walls everywhere creating disticnt spaces with different feelings of insideness.

In a basement room full of mirrors I saw myself in several mirrors at various angles at the same time and cracked up , astonished at how I was dressed, wih a yellow kerchief, crazy makeup, bright colors and a coat . Fun!
later, at night there was an suv stopped in front of my place that I chased away with my pitchfork, all the way down the street. get out of here!

I had the feeling that people backed away from me over and over at the party and I was told that I was close talking all evening. Was the reason why.

AIM IM with ptrmcrthr.
10:38 AM
how is life peter?
god
it is "okay"
purely okay
ya
and your life?
every day I wake up and proclaim, I feel good, and I am not going to drink any more
and by the evening there is a half an empty bottle of wine, a lonely feeling
and mental and physical fatigue
10:40 AM
i have mild frustration with everything
i had a bad lung pain attack for the past 3 days but am feeling better.
the pain really compelled me. in general
i am in my head alot.
yes
I hear that
the drinking is easy to put a "finish" on the physical and emotional exhaustion
it cleans that thing up a bit
and when there aren't people around, it's good...mike left for a few days, I wanted to replace him with alcohol last night
"where is that person I yell at"
haha
"hmm, perhaps with a beer I could do some yelling"
i dressed russian today, the sun was out and I played some loud super clubby underworld in the car. it felt really great. and when I looked out the window there were only, still, drab faces
and now I am at work, curled over in a little chair
i have started to feel much more positive since i began putting my museum writing on the internet
i feel like these tiny things once a day establish a kind of baseline
of decent good work
that i can go beyond or not
ya
i got some stuff established to work my house movie to.
its hard cause I want the project to be uncontestably good. and that means everything has to be great
and its hard when you are just one man.
haha
i had about an hour last night when I felt it was good. and then in bed again, cold. no skin but my own. cough. roll around, cough cough.
yeah
I have been getting into the thinking of butoh performers
based on animilistic indulgence and sensual pleasure
cultural cutup
some of the originators were all into how fucking great it is to be alive and how painful and how great it all is to feel and how they want to live and experience everything so much they want to die and then want to live more
and more
and I relate to that. nothing is ever enough. but lots of things are totally enough, so fullfulling that i want to be wrapped up in their feelings forever.
yes
i listened to jessies new love song 20 some times yesterday
it is so good.
did you send me a link to it?
my true love is the one
I am thinking of moving more and more strangely, licking dry paint dust from walls and showing a white tongue while hissing.

children left and right and center

2006-02-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

I met up with a couple friends who were babysitting a young fella at a place were many people took their young ones. The one we were with was really energetic and fun, for a while he had a running comentary on everything we did, then he proclaimed that our scene was boring. Later he got into watching people eat and was excited again. He caught the attention of a really young baby nearby who kept smiling at us in an unacceptably cute look. Huge eyes, long curly hair. Giggliness. It almost had me thinking "I want one of those". But their tricky crafts do not work on me. Another kid nearby was giggling and mashing food in his hands, slapping the mush back and forth clumsily, rolling it. His dad told him to stop but he was having lots of fun. I looked back and the smily infant was trying to feed a toy some of his food, while smiling with a 'wow I can't beleive I am doing this' look on its face.
All the chilren were happy at this place. It FELT different than places were adults are the ones that are really happy.

When I am in the mud capsule

2006-01-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

I went to work and they told me to go home. There was nothing for me to do there, I had no plans for what I might do at home. I did my laundry, and went to the liquor store and then was drunk by 2pm. I took the train up to washington park and was amazed how long every minute was when not working in front of a computer. It was really nice to be a passanger, not walking not driving, not having to pay attention to my motions, or other peoples. Moving through downtown I felt like I was in a foreign place. I see the faces of people in like 4 places in any given week and they are not the faces I see downtown and on the max. I forgot how dirty and normal and/ or plain people can look. I was covered in makeup and gin stink and when I stumbled off the train I was the only one. I danced down the hallway and off the walls, and danced in the long elevator from the tunnel to the surface. It is fun to dnace with the changes in gravity in the elevator ride. Dancing low and heavy when the body feels heavier, and floating off when the elevator slows. Fun! I ran out of the elevator and up a hill beyond the Vietnam memorial and collapsed in the sun beneath a tree fairly quickly. I felt completely fatigued and had to rest for a while. I started too fast, or I am really out of shape. I climbed lots of tree, edging in and out on the limbs, sitting and lying down in various positions trying to find out if there is a nice place to sleep in any of them. I needed that sunshine so badly. It has been so dark for this past month in Portland and I have been feeling a little down from the lack of light. It is fun to rub on moist moss while sitting in a tree in the sun. Listening to little bristle noises and feeling little areas of softness. I hiked around on some trails until it got cold then rolled down a long hill slowly, a couple turns and then a stop, couple more turns and a flop. I kept laughing thinking about reenacting the scene in 'The Princess Bride' where Westley and Princess Buttercup roll down a hill and wind up on top of each other. I was laughing about reeneacting it by myself where I wind up on my back without the wieght of a lady on top of me, and without clouds to obscure my view of blue sky. It was fun. After shimmying out on wet tree branches my pants were stained with dirt by the knees and bottom. I tried to match the rest of the pants to that dirt when I was rolling and tumbling down the hill, but it is hard to get really dirty. I had to settle for just a little dirty. Later I changed my pants and went to dinner at Acadia which had poor service, a delicious salad, and an OK entree. I will never go back there. They gave every person 4 pieces of bread each but gave us only two pieces each. What does that MEAN? The waiter left the table too quickly everytime. I wanted coffee but as soon as I had stated which meal I wanted he dashed away. Saying the meal name "cupa cupa cupa' for a meal is basically too embarressing an order to speak aloud even if it is the thing you want.
Soon I will lay in the cold salty ocean and feel my terrors pulled from my body as long slimy threads. Or maybe it will be in snow, and it will be a seeping. All I know is that I will be lying down somewhere nice soon.

funk

2006-01-21T20:30:00.000-08:00

I slipped and fell on someones grave stone today. It was a long raised stone plot. To an onlooker it might have looked like I was dancing on the grave. The combination of malted milkshake and hamburger is like a stop sign to the cell functions of my body. I will spend the next 15 hrs in bed.

The Language of Flowers

2006-01-16T01:09:00.000-08:00

from a book on hoodoo ritual:

"In Victorian England there was a form of expression called the "language of flowers." In this language, flowers are hieroglyphs. This language was understood by many—the giver of flowers could communicate with his or her loved one through the selection of flowers. This language filtered down and into the vivid folkloric imagination of the Americas…"

Hollyhock: "I am fertile how about you?"

Lemon verbena: "I am excited and mesmerized by you"

Balm of Gliead: "I'm ready for love"
"
there weren't many flowers listed. Here is a site with a huge list but an unattractive backdrop:
http://www.apocalypse.org/pub/u/hilda/flang.html
I don't really like their single word messages for plants on that one. I like things more situational. There are examples at the bottom of the page.
the entry: "Japan Ros : Beauty is your only attraction." is pretty good.

no ugly background, a list with meanings:
http://home.comcast.net/~bryant.katherine/flowers.html

"Laurestinus: I die if neglected." That is often communicated in modern day through the gift of the sickly puppy with a coffee stained bow on its head.

"The perfection of female loveliness." what? I want to perfect that.
who gives a flower that says "my best days are past"? "Ya, hey, lets get together and bond over that feeling and a 42 oz steak, to the death."

Can we combine the flowers with the handkerchief codes?
http://www.gaycityusa.com/HANKYCODES.htm
http://members.aol.com/OfficerJim/hankycodes.html

I used to rock some saran wrap on my face. I should have combined that with the Rosary and a ziplock bag. Into getting drugged and mummified in a ritual fashion.

I suppose the way we dress and music we listen to communicates other values and personality traits.

inheritence lunch

2006-01-15T15:53:00.000-08:00

At a birthday lunch for my grandma weeks ago I was introduced to various behavioral and mental traits in the social genetics of the family. My mom made a book displaying the various fancinesses of my grandma. I was quite impressed. She had some classy outfits, lots of feathers attached to things. She made halloween costumes that won her praise and mention in the city she lived in. One was a series of 6 foot tall penguin costumes. This was in the 40's. She made six people into amish farmers for another halloween. She made huge puppets and decorations outside for hollidays as well. She dressed her three daughters into matching costumes regularly. She seemed really into gangs. I feel like many of my fancy grandma's predilections were passed down to me. I find that I, too, really like transforming spaces into special events, things that feel out of the ordinary and have a greater resonance in memory. You can remember a good dinner or you can remember a dinner that will only happen once, with an environment, that was unique to a time and a place. I wish I could spend several weeks and lots of money preparing for every event that is for like 14 or so my friends. I feel like there is a reality in me that has not yet materialized, and here and there I experience it and the rest of my life washes away. I am ready to peel away skins and walk on hot coals where meats are sizzling. I would love to have a dinner party at the edge of a forest, with deer statues and squirrel statues, some friends, and a beatiful table of food, which the forest animals and friends would dine at together. O, here owl, i prepared this little mouse just for you. Hello deer, here is a quinoa salad with mint and lemon and little grassy forest plants layed out on a plate of moss. Hello lover, here is a nibble of chocolate, resting on my wrist. And late at night we release insects made plump for days a diet of hearty stews and honey, these are for the bats who swoop down. The forest could glow with happy mouths.

corespondence to a perosn not actually present on AIM (edited)

2006-01-13T01:51:00.000-08:00

o FUCK. I am wasted. I was wasted. I am wasted
wine wine wine, bar. bar wine, train tracks.
sprained ANKLE twice
fuckers
fucking TRAINs
i sawem coming and I said- look fucker why don't you sprain THAT
instead of ME, this shit hurts.
hurtsss
bitch
ankle
1:45 AM
hurtssssssss
aaaaaaa
fuck
why is my arm wet
o ya, I wiped SALIVA ALL OVER it
off my tongue
my pants are wet, but from lying down in a puddle and laughing atthe ankle
1:50 AM
FUCK yiu

My first dream of a burning blimp

2006-01-10T16:35:00.000-08:00

last night I dreamed of swimming in a river with a friend. We sought sunny patches to swim in, where the water was warmed by the sun and it felt lovely to swim in. It was a river of fast moving water. She swam in place against the currant and I clambered over rocks and jumped into the water repeatedly. We had heard a storm was coming and after feeling nervous about possible nearness of the storm we decided to return to a cabin on a hillside. At the cabin was a different friend, who looked out the window with me, looking for the promised storm. We got excited when we saw black hurricanes erupting out of the clouds. Strong winds started. The cabin overlooked a valley with a small town in its basin. This kind of town contained a couple of windmills surrounded by tulips. We watched the windmills blades spin quickly. The hurricanes approached over the hills and trees flew up in the air. This imagery exists in my head because of disaster movies. I looked back to the valley and two blimps had entered the area. Floating around stupidly, their ropes dangling down and advertisements for beer and lawn care devices scrolling across panels of yellow light bulbs. The general sense of the storm was a rumbling that seemed to come from the earth. My friend called some one on his cell phone to describe the storm. Not much rain fell. The precipitation of the strom was mostly composed of disengaged pine needles and dust, slapped against the windows and dropped on the roof with a soft high pitched puttering sound. A whirlwind picked up a tree and carried it slowly across the sky to impale a blimp. We watched stupidly and happily. The blimp went down in the center of the city and a huge explosion erupted, curling flames up against the valley walls. It created an almost perfect sphere in the valley. The ball sank back down and created an earthquake that rumbled the floor and walls, turning them to a wavy rubber that bounced over six feet in the air up and down. Everything in the hillside cabin was launched from its resting place and slammed against the ceilings. My friend and I were filled with giggling and cheering. The floor was a giant sine wave and the walls were bending trees. The effect subsided and the cabin room returned to normal. I woke up to the alarm, wanting to sleep more so I could watch the city burn. There was no sense that there were people there in the burning city, just buildings, changing colors and shapes and making noises as they changed.

O, F, my face, O, just F my face

2006-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

I applied bronzer to my face for the first time yesterday. A smooth creamy powder bronzer. It had a radical effect on my skin and on my brain. The Urban Decay bronzer smoothed my skin in a way that caused all skin problems to become more visible. It reduced the overall texture of my skin, creating more of a soft tone general face area. This smoothing caused all other elements, rough areas, hairs, an old pimple, to show up far more obviously on my skin. I looked in the mirror for a long time, wanting to crush all of these things, erase all elements that might effect the skin smoothness. My face was once like handmade paper, full of texture and interesting things, after the powder my face was a smooth like the inside of an almond, with two bright eyes peering out.
Is this how everyone feels with makeup? I ended up spending 15 minutes trimming my mustache and smoothing bronzer down to my neckline. I felt transformed and energized. Later I felt kind of itchy around my neck.

the personality of a place, shaking hands through the people

2006-01-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

If you had an amalgam of all small talk or conversations with unfamiliar people within a city, is that the quintissential personality of a city? If such talk and interaction were seperated from a person and set on its own- what kind of identity is made? What idea is there? What about your self, why should identity change to a plane of unnegotiated values and established nicities?
Everyone gets nervous around strangers, I suppose thats OK. I always feel as if a shell comes down over each person in a new sitation that slowly getes chipped away to reveal what kind of a relationship people might have with one another. Friends, enemies? I am not patient. I assume the relationship and wait for it to change. My relationship I imagine for most strangers is 'enemy', competitor for survival. I have fun.

I do not understand metal

2006-01-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be so fun to dance on my car. I jumped up on it and spun around on the hood. I jumped back down onto the street. It WAS kind of fun. Then I looked at the hood and realized I scratched the fuck out my paint.

I did a bunch of excercising the other day and was surprised the next day to find many of my muscles to be tense and sore. I thought I was in good shape from running and dancing. I guess not.

It is really hard to work for a full forty hours in a week. I had to go in on Saturday to make the hours add up.

This is what I learned last week.

A week without grapefruit

2006-01-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

A week without grapefruit and a week of heavy drinking combined is a chemical combination that makes me crippled with depression. I was angry at life for about 29 hours. I finally had some grapefruit this morning and experienced a complete turnaround in feeling and outlook. I am happy again. Satisfied with everything. Kind of amazing how the same surroundings, the same situation can feel so different based on what subtances are in my body.
A few days ago I got hi with a friend and she showed me how to pass carrot pieces from ones mouth into a large dog's mouth. The dog was so gentle about it.

if I don't play in some snow soon

2006-01-06T17:00:00.000-08:00

if I don't play in some snow soon

I am going to perish (feel mildly depressed or low).
I am thinking about chalky gray makeup (on the face).
I am imagining a black tattered suit with straw coming out of the tatters (zombie).
I am imagining- half buried in snow, small green babies emerging from the snow as if once buried there. (zombie babies)
I am wanting to have some fun. (get cold and wet)
I am guessing that if I were to stop drinking at 1am I might feel better when I wake up. Maybe even not wake up from insane dreams, terrified that my house of concrete is burning and that my friends are trapped in the walls, making cocoons of yarn around themselves (fascimile of a dream)

Its 5:30pm, I have been awake for maybe 6 hrs, and at my job for maybe 5. At work they put beer out on a table. I am starting the drinks. They are going to continue. (i am either drunk or gauze brained with hangover all the time)

2006 started so well. And it has continued, full of unhealthy living. Hours of dancing without a feeling of relief or fatigue. (I cannot sleep after some social situations)

An important feeling

2006-01-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

My friend Peter told me recently about Gertrude Stein's writing about an 'important feeling'. A feeling which causes a person to feeel it is really worthwhile to bring an idea into reality for others. The important feeling can be made of negative or positive intent, but it is still important feeling. A person might not, themselves feel important. I had an important feeling for a dinner party and it happened and it was wonderful. What a nice term. Right now I am thriving from the echoes of my friends' smiling faces during the evening. Love animates the body in a way sleep sometimes does not. Sharing food prepared by my hands makes me feel gracious towards the mouths that take it, and eating food prepared by friends hands, makes me feel gracious towards them. enjoy, enjoy, please, I hope you all enjoy, everyone.

Some pictures from the dinner:
http://fancymice.smugmug.com/gallery/1086444
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sapphirehare/
more to come...

Why are you telling me about your shoes?

2005-12-31T01:17:00.000-08:00

I believe everything people tell me is meant to conjure a perception of their character. I am meant to find them entertaining- I am supposed to be disgusted, made jealous, awed? This makes sense to me. I have a hard time understanding simple relation of facts. I trust people that make strong cases themselves, strong persona-s when they speak. "I do not empathize with strangers and this is the mean thing I did".
I expect such rating whenever I talk. I expect to be categorized and judged. I am against such binary ways of responding to people, but I expect that people are doing it. People often want to create a perception about themselves that they like, unless they don't like themselves and perpetuate that dislike... My tell me things to amuse me— my friends feel good at being funny.
My friends tend to be good at being sensitive and understanding and good hearted, and are excellent at making light of horrible situations.
Sometimes I start to tell a story in a group and I get cut off so that the story was merely "I had a pet bird too" rather than putting across that I am a person who enjoys the masturbation sounds and antics of pet birds. I find that I am not an aggressive speaker in groups. I am uncomfortable holding a group of peoples attention for more than about 25 seconds. This is because I usually don't enjoy listening to other people for more than that long. I think- "get to the point, I already got the gist of your story, or shut up already..." This is mostly a problem in groups of people who do not share my values (not friends). My values consist of the devaluation of most endeavors and objects that can be owned.

Someone really needs to teach me how to not spend money. I used to know how, but lately I have forgotten.
My bank account is always empty and my taste buds are always happy like a well fertilized and cared for plant.

a splinter, long and serpentine

2005-12-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

From beneath the nail of a throbbing pinky this morning I tweezed a splinter that impaled itself halfway up my arm. It smelled like pine. I have never had my wrist movement inhibited by things beneath my skin before this. The splinter could well the shaft of a feather from a large menacing bird, a prehistoric bird with a sharp beak AND huge fangs at the same time. I burned the impaling object just to be sure it would not slip back into me during my sleep. In sleep is when I recieve all my splinters. I live in a room made of plastic, I don't know where they come from.

I bought kewda water without knowing what it is. Later I will taste it in a spoon, licked from a finger and then maybe on a slice of toast. I have a recipe which calls for this water. There is a drawing of an object on the bottle. I believe it is a flower. It could very well be a giant splinter. It may be splinter water that I serve to guests in two days.

What kind of a person makes up lies about having splinters just to think about the feeling? I'll tell you what kind of person.

itch a hole right through the arm

2005-12-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

an itch has invaded my left forearm. Sometimes it burrows deeply and runs to my right temple momentarily. Sometimes it resides in my wrist. I can chase it around my body with a single finger. It never allows itself te be caught. My arm is red and raw from attempts to catch it. I hear that people with amputated limbs often feel itches in their limbs that are no longer present. I can only imagine that that is where this itch wants to exist, detatched from my body and left in a deep ravine, covered in flies, a disembodied sensation.

wire mess, coral pile

2005-12-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

In an untold branch of human evolution, in misty plains where all the mist was part dust, people were born that were extraordinarily fragile. Their blood vessels were not tied into their body well. The circulatory systems sat like pickles in a jar, or fruits in a jello mold, like branches of a tree encased in snow drifts. The entire structure of blood carrying tubes was very strong, more powerful than normal human blood vessels, and so strong as to withstand bruising bludgeoning and cutting by moderately sharp blades. The dense blood vessels did not supply enough nutrients to the skin, the skin was weak, like stretchy plastic grocery bags. If punctured this skin would not leak blood, but would release tendrils of coarse veins. This inner strength did not match well to the weak skin. A curly ended blood vessel might catch on a door latch, a hook, or decorative statues, and if a person happened to be running quickly, their entire circulatory system might be dragged out of their body, left on the ground for several moments, pulsating. In the dusty mineral laden air the mess quickly turned silver and solidified, looking somewhat like steel wool. The cadavers dissipated quickly into the air, in less than two months usually. Eventually everyone with this genetic peculiarity died before being able to procreate. All possibilities for life, death, and humor tied with that form of body were left unrealized.

This is to say, the blueness of my veins, near the surface of my skin, or in other peoples skin, is bothering me today.

a tiger in my skin

2005-12-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

I have had trouble sleeping lately, even when really drunk. I developed a ritual that seems to help. I have to turn on a heating pad, and once hot, move it over my entire body. I start with my chest, then move it down my stomach, over my thighs, between my legs, over my shins. 'Is it like the caress of a hot hand?' I laughed to think that and held the heat to my chest for a while longer, then my neck, wrapped around a wrist...
There is something about my home, maybe industrial sounds, maybe a huge never ending ghost party, maybe rumbling of trains, that never lets me relax. I find that when I go to other peoples houses that are quiet I find myself feeling so relaxed I could sleep anywhere. I feel like a wild animal, but not one that is hunted.

Christmas day 2005

2005-12-27T11:26:00.000-08:00

Friends came to visit me on christmas day and we stood on the porch overlooking the river, shooting at pigeons, seagulls and airplanes with brass instruments. Birds respond to trumpet and trombone in equal amounts. They swoop around in the air and make sudden shifts in elevation. Airplanes do not care.
We burned small trees, money, and a guitar in an outdoor fireplace. The guitar was harder to smash than I thought it would be, and was harder to burn too. Later I went with some friends to a bar so thick with smoke my skin crawled and my lungs turned a mix of ashy grey and cherry black inside. I could not make vocal sounds well in the morning, my vocabulary was cut into seven pieces, only one of which was available to me. The 6th part was colored by coughing, and words with Mmm sounds were totally unavaliable.

dusted and disgusting

2005-12-22T22:03:00.000-08:00

I smoke a half a joint I had on my table. I felt good. I wanted to feel better. I looked around the house, what else could I smoke? I swept a great deal of dust from the hallway and living room. I looked at it and thought- what would that do - if I smoked it? I sniffed it and thought that would deter me. It didn't, but dust in a dust pan put my body into automatic action and took the dust to the garbage can. I took all the halloween babies off the cieling and put them on a couch. Then I moved them to a chair and liked them better there.

pitchfork on my bed

2005-12-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

The pitchfork has moved from my car to my room, and in my room it is at my bedside, trying to climb into my bed. It has such a nice presence, a pleasing density. A cat would be better, but a picthfork will be fine for now.

hangover in crumbled concrete

2005-12-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

I went to the company xmas party last night, drank tequila, danced with some people,wore a wig, found out a person has a recipe for zombie poison, had fun. Woke up today with a perfect hangover, a thickened cement-aching feeling in a specific part of the brain, this time, the upper frontal region, between crown and the forehead. My body oozed sweat disgustingly with fumes of the previous nights drinking. I left my car at work that night and so had to run and jog to work today.
My feet sizzled in my shoes. My hair sizzled on my head. All skin and edges were a tingly buzzing earthquake instead of nerve endings. I jogged along the railroad for a while, next to a moving train, and kept thinking about hopping it, but it slowed to a stop before I could settle on the deicision to hop it. I climbed on and then off the train in order to pass it and then climbed up a dirt hill where homeless people have tents and dwellings set up. I climbed out of the dirt onto the street and burst into a fast run. I ran along the esplanade, it was nearly deserted. As deserted as it was, I ran into a friend and stopped for a chat. It is so nice to run into a familiar face in a lonely seeming place.
Once on the streets again I found several patches of ice to slide over. One of the patches of ice was over a thawed puddle which meant the ice could be broken through. I stepped on as much of it as I could, slowly making cracks burst into it. As slow as I tried to make the cracks happen, they always happened really quickly, always in tiny flashes as angles and edges appeared for a split second before becoming differently angled broken edges. The sound of cracks forming in ice makes tiny white edges form and creak in my head, and in my arms. I closed my eyes and in the warm morning sun, this ice cracking harmonized perfectly with my hangover.

I stopped at New Seasons near my work, purchased a carrot some dark chocolate and juice. I considered buying a flower for myself, but I thought- I don't want to romance myself. But then, blocks later, I realized I DO want to. So I will have to go back later today.
It is amazing going into work an hour late and everyone says- o hey, there he is, and everyone is distracted from my lateness by the bright orange carrot in my hand.

Hollywood Makes Me Cry

2005-12-13T12:17:00.001-08:00

When did hollywood movies become totally intense? I watched Batman Begins, and several days ago, the remake of War of the Worlds, and both movies made me cry.
I really liked Batman Begins. There was a sense of isolation and loneliness among the few protagonists. They had similar ideals and beliefs which were not shared by any of the people around them. Their ideals were not only not shared- but they were scoffed at and insulted for their beliefs by all other people in the movie. These beliefs given most focus as something that separated them, was not religion or ethnicity but the level of empathy and compassion which they had for humanity; caring about the state of fellow humans, caring about how people are living. A theme prevalent in the Japanese movie 'Suicide Club' as well. Bruce Wayne puts himself in situations with people that have to steal food and food alone simply to survive, with criminals who steal as a way of life, who 'mock the rules rules of society.' Through experience of poverty it is suggested that Bruce gains a real ability for empathy. Ya, there is the fact that he remained rich and could ESCAPE the poverty anytime he wanted, he could not feel the feeling of being TRAPPED in it, but he had good intent. In a quick scene he steals and shares his stolen fruit with a homeless (suggested) child. As if having survival needs makes him more understanding and connected to others. As in Suicide club "how are you connected" "are you connected?"
Through dialogue in the Batman Begins there was value placed on the community, and the idea of giving to that community, feeling compelled to make life better for fellow humans, to FEEL a fellowship. Various characters talk about Bruce Wayne's parents and how thew were the last of a rich philanthropic type of people, and how wonderful they were, how they wanted to make life better for the poor. Although the people in Gotham were in a bad state, not just economically, but in outlook, the good hearted heros of the movie BELIEVED things could be fixed, that quality of life could be made better. The opposite view was presented as well, the villains in the movie were of the belief that a people can be so evil that they must be eradicated so that culture can restart, reform to erase the disparities in wealth and wellbeing of a people. In Batman Begins, tyranny is defined as not caring about the situation in which others are living, not caring about humanity. Two groups both wanted to erase this tyranny but one through reform and the other through annihilation.
It was the poignancy of the loneliness of the heros that really struck me most. It wasn’t the loneliness of the famous or the righteous, it was the loneliness of a small group of people whose beliefs and values are not shared by anyone around them. The feeling of being a foreigner with a private culture shared with just a couple of others.
Like how we have no witchcraft or trance experience in mainstream western society narrative. We could, right?! I tried to get a friend of mine hired as a shaman at my place of employment recently. My boss was interested but didn’t want to deal with the co-owners blame if the witchcraft didn’t work. He might hire him if some things fall through. I love my job, I do not feel alone.

Years ago I did some work at an employment agency, providing twelve hour shifts to poor people, desperate for work and money. It was so depressing, the jobs often filled up quickly and so many people had to be turned away. I worked at a desk with a phone and signed people up for the work. It has more difficult to live in a bad state when there are others so nearby living in opulent splendor. It is sometimes even frustrating to live well when others are living ridiculously. I found out that some ad execs are making 128,000 dollars a WEEK. And their employees, creatives or whoever, may make only 1,200 dollars a week. Have those at the top done something particularly WONDERFUL AND BENIFICIAL for people or SACRIFICED something so great to deserve so much more? what do they do with it all?

In Los Angeles this year I visited the downtown area to go to Cliftons Cafeteria which has an amazing tribute to the spiritual qualities inherent in the redwood forests of California. I remember leaving after it was dark and the streets clearing of people who might shop, and left over were predominately homeless people. On one block there were two people foraging through the pockets of what appeared to be a dead man, wedged into doorway of a closed boarded over doorway. One block away there was a gallery opening, filled with richly dressed people all sipping wine and smiling and laughing. I told some friends about it and they said “of course, that is SO L.A.”. It SEEMED that Batman Begins was about such disparities of living conditions, about empathy and the human condition, though it probably wasn't in any real way. I rewatched a bit of the movie just found all the characters annoying. There are a lot of reviews on the internet about this movie- discussing similar topics.

here is a bit from an interview with hans zimmer the composer for this batman:

::"Research aside, do you try relate to the characters?

: Do I feel their conflicts? Sure. But sometimes it's harder. I remember telling Ridley Scott that working on Thelma & Louise was really hard because it was about two women! And I had no idea how women think. With Black Hawk Down, I went and got soldiers who actually fought in those wars to talk to me and the other musicians, which was a great experience.
But relating on a peripheral way is different. Ultimately, you cling on to a tiny, tiny thing that you just relate to, with the character. A theme of loneliness, or, one particular thing I'm quite good at -- the theme of a foreigner in a foreign country, alienated, speaking in a language that nobody understands."

Maybe its his fault I had that sense of social isolation from the movie.

Single heros rising up against tyranny suggests apathy of the masses. Its kind of annoying. I like the Water Margin because it is a similar story of corrupt society taking too much from the people- overtaxation, exploitation, but it is a huge group of heros that band together against the ruling class. Far more exciting.

War of the worlds was intense and full of terrifying imagery. Most of the terror came from watching a little girl cry as she witnessed the destruction of countless people before her eyes. The movie really effectively imparted the feeling of 'all humans being massacred'. There is a shot that is both beautiful and completely terrifying where Tom Cruise (most disgusting man) climbs out of a cellar and looks over rolling hills that are covered in veiny roots that the aliens laid down for their infestation of the planet. There is a red mist that hangs in the air and covers his face. The roots/vessels are all made of human blood sucked from the millions of humans massacred by the aliens, as is the blood used to fertilize the root system. Blood lay in a thick syrup over the planet. It is so totally horrifying a concept that I nearly threw up. What if all humans were liquified and turned into thicket and mist, and then you stepped in it and it got all over you? Equally disgusting- the rotten gore pit that Jennifer Connely falls into in Argento's Phenomena.

Removing the jaws of the wolf

2005-12-06T12:03:00.000-08:00

Last nightI hiked up a forest trail in a valley containing a creek. I took special parcels with me that I inteneded to use in a ritual. I wanted to free myself from some mental and emotional narratives that have been effecting and defining my way of life and my outlook.

I have been feeling constnatly like prey, like I would not live long, like every minute had to be spent productively. If I were a deer in the woods, working on projects constantly and not relaxing would be akin to the deer, fearing every sound or flicker of movement is indicitave of a nearby predator. My predator has been time and a sense of urgency in all areas of my life. Self determined deadlines had too great a power over me, they felt as if set by an outside source. I have been enjoying living like this, constantly working, operating on a high energy level nearly all the time, I just haven't been paying attention to some of my needs and now I must.

Late at night, the public forest is somewhat terrifying. I hiked and stopped as soon as city lights no longer lit the trees. It was very dark, and I imagined maleficent humans hidden behind every shrub and behind every embakement. I was skittish and fearful. There were several points on the trail that I had trouble passing. I had to stop and survey my surroundings intensely looking out for presences. Every bridge that crossed back and forth over the creek seemed like an increase in the level of danger or sense of it. This sense of increasing danger reminded me of the NES game, Dragon Warrior in which bridges served as boundaries between weaker and stronger monsters. Where one area conainted slimes, the next area contained wraiths and scorpians. With the greater danger were greater rewards though. Do video game references totally ruin a story or help to inform it?
After several bridges and several points that I felt it very difficult to pass, I found an area that I could not pass. My steps slowed to a stop and force me back to a specific point on the trail. From this point I climbed down near the water and laid out my prepared parcels. I burned herbs and the idea of my problems incarnated in drawings of wovles in various situations. I burned other images. I intoned loudly, and the sound of the creek and the wet wood were drowned out by my voice. Each time I stopped using my voice, the sound of the forest came back into my ears, like a tide washing back over me. I held the burning embers in my hand and watchted the smoke travel along with the path of the creek. The wind blew with the creek, all down hill, all away from me down the valley. I plucked and pushed feelings from my heart along with the smoke. I moved my body in fluid wrapping motions so as to release particles that might be lodged in me so that they might dissipate.

When I was done the path ahead no longer seemed terrifying or impassable. I hiked further into the cold dark wood feeling rejuvinated. When I turned to leave I felt successful, I felt I had left somethings in the woods, that would be covered over and dealt with by nature, cleaned in the soil, cleaned by the breath of trees.

At the valley entrance I saw, not too far off, a large wolf-like dog standing still, gazing towards me. It was like a spectre, moving unnaturally, with no human to associate it with. I took a few steps forward and it bolted across an open area, towards me. It crossed my path several yards in front of me and darted past, into the woods where I had been.
This morning when I drove away from my house, another large dog ran up to my car and rubbed its head agains my car, pawing at the door right next to me. I had to slow the car down because I was worried about running it over. The owner looked at her dog, astonished, and called it away from me.

I feel relaxed in a way I have not in a long time. All my plans and self imposed deadlines have lost their power, I can live and be happy without doing so much, or more accurately, I feel like I can work on things without feeling as if under a giant whip, or an hourglass with attached torture device. Various other problems, solved? Never? damn.

Coffee sludge digs a pit

2005-12-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I drank a a couple cups of coffee, then I drank more the next three days. It totally destabalized me. Coffee has always effected me this way, just never so intensely. For two days I became filled with social anxiety and was sure that all my friends no longer liked me. I thought every interaction held evidence that my current personal mythology of nearly constant exuberance and hedonistic living was annoying as a way of life to hear about or be drawn into. I wanted to shrink back into some hole dug by the imagined glares of others. After surges of energy on Thursday and Friday night that kept me up until 5 am each morning, Saturday I crashed and couldn't leave bed. Food seemed like a luxary I did not deserve. My body was filled with a white fog, a tapioca blood inhibiter. All projects I was excited about the day before seemed unimportant, not worthwhile. I felt awkward about calling people, and concentrated on the absense of calls as more evidence, not even noticing that a bunch of people did call. Its so ridiculous. I was aware of the inaccurate nature of thoughts but I FELT them all the same. I have been so stable for a very long time, I suppose this happens. When in college, living in close proximity to a male roommate I remember having inexplicable emotional cycles, in which both of us would find ourselves suffering from similar malaise which we would talk of and drink over, and wait out together. That made it fun.
I am going to find a cool forest to hike in tonight, to let the heat of the bad feelings evaporate into the atmosphere. I haven't looked at the stars in weeks. I have been in an artificial world of interiors. My belief is that some time outside, alone, will help to dispel these feelings ( which are already fading, just not fast enough) and return my momentum. I feel like there is not enough time for everything I want to do and it is making me crazy. I look at bed and can't think of sleep, can only think of projects I want to work on. The body and brain and social molecules need so many kinds of nourishment. I am fighting a battle against all of them. Tonight I want to do about 18 different things, but I am choosing the forest, because that is what I need most.

What flows in place

2005-12-02T03:50:00.000-08:00

4 am dance off with myself. In the calm parts of songs I take breaks from dancing to do situps or pushups, I just need my muscles to ache so much that they can no longer be used. Only then will they be satisfied. I really should try yoga soon...
I dance, and try experimental lung dancing, strange naked inflations and twisting. With my lungs nearly clear of spells, I feel an even greater surge of energy. A fly landed on me while I danced and I impulsively killed it. As I dropped it in the garbage the smell of its death seeped through my fingers and I felt like I could no longer dance. I felt sorry for killing the fly, because I could have danced with it, and it wouldn't have been a bother. The dance almost left me, but I danced for the fly slowly and the dance came back, and I am on fire.

can someone do so many, and such malevolent hexes and spells that they destroy their own body? If there are evil courts can there be evil sandwich makers? Evil hair salons? Is a bad haircut a form a spell can take?

fUwitches

2005-12-01T01:42:00.000-08:00

No more spear in me, but now I am apparently a goth nerd.

lungs leek and powder the world

2005-11-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

Last night I did tai chi for a while, then danced, did more tai chi and meditated, all while concentrating on sending out the pain that has resided in my lungs for a week now. I felt like a victim of voodoo, I felt like a rope covered spear had been thrust through my chest, and it was just in there, twirling and wobbling. During meditation I felt a surge in my throat and impulsively opened my mouth and a large amount of viscous saliva poured out of my mouth. I was unprepared and had to let it spill on the floor. I coughed a great deal, and then felt improved.
My body temperature raised significantly during excercise and dancing, I felt radiant, and I felt as if the poisons had been partially extracted. After more dancing my chest knotted up on the left and I felt a tingling sensation on my back. I felt like a large chunk of smoothed obsidian wanted to erupt through my ribs and shoot like a bullet out of my body. I felt a shuddereing inside and my body convulsed. I recoiled and brushed the skin on my back with my hand and found a fine black powder had collected, which I wiped on a towel. I danced more and felt more full of energy than I have all week. I had a hard time getting to sleep. I was in bed from 2:30 until 3:30 with a mind full of thinking, and planning and body full of writhing.

physical pain in just one body part stops all others

2005-11-24T00:38:00.000-08:00

I woke up in incredible pain tuesday. Lung pain. I hacked and coughed when I woke up, coughing up some sludge. Am I sick? What is wrong? The pain went away a bit later in the day, and after a short stint at work I came home and slept for two hours. I looked all over the house trying to figure out if there was intense mold anywhere. I was sure it was a mold. I couldn't really find ant though. I felt ok when I went to bed, but today, the pain was so intense. I realized the pain started the morning after I had a fire with some random dry sticks my friend collected from parks around town for halloween decorations. I consulted a wood expert and discovered that- yes, some wood is toxic to burn. So I am in a bad state. Pain is so fucking depressing when it is inside the torso, all the 'life is a garbage pile of broken razors and rotting fish' type thoughts erupt out of old pores that store them. Certain ways of sitting are more painful than others. I made chili tonight for friends and while cooking and inhaling the vapors of food, the pain was eased. I served vegetarian chili with soft boiled egg, chorizo and cheese. Delicious!
Soon I will begin posting cultural critiques/ theory/ discussion with illustrated examples. That is, if my lungs don't turn into concrete and fall out of my body.

An eggplant cradled in my hands

2005-11-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

In case anyone ever wondered if charring an eggplant in embers of an actual fire tastes different from an eggplant charred under a broiler, it IS! I made a dish out of the charred eggplant with fried lamb, black pepper, and onions and fish/lime/chile/garlic/sugar sauce poured over the top and it was transformed by the real fire. I swooned over the food, moaning occasionally. I drank beer that was too sweet for the meal and then later got drunk from the same beer, which is usually one of my favorites. I drank it quickly and aggressively because I was angry at the beer for how it tasted with the meal. I woke up with a bad cough and then dressed up in an outfit of all black with beads and a skull hanging from my body. My look could be called Russian criminal, my look could be called clown porn, my look could be called unlicensed bird surgeon.

Also, In case anyone ever wondered what the point of drinking from different shaped cups is, its because the shape of a cup deposits liquids on different parts of a tongue, changing what flavors are intensified. I find this most apparent with martinis, various teas, and body parts.

Magic of Spirituality vs Magic of the Social construct

2005-11-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

I had a conversation recently about spirituality with some older people, my mother and a painter friend from Montana, Jerry. It started with discussion of pre-life- afterlife, establishing between the three of us our different stances. They believe there is a spirit in people, a base element of personality that makes a person who they are, something that enters at conception and leaves as an energy back into the world at death. Also they pondered whether any thinking- any web of thought can exist after death, and I said hopefully not, I want to be done with thinking! I am not sure of what I truly believe, but I got excited about arguing and exploring the issue and took the stance that there is absolutely nothing before or after life, and that spirit does not exist, that personality is mostly constructed. I believe that genetically there are certain chemical balances, brain shapes and dispositions that form in a baby. The personality of a person comes partly from this, and then formed by chance- through interactions with parents and the physically world early on.

My mother said she had an idea of me in the womb- a sense of my identity, of a spiritual being that was, and is crucial to my identity. I argued that that is impossible, and rather, that her imagination of that identity, and how she reacted to me once I was born, was very powerful in forming who I was, who I am. I believe that people have great formative powers over other people. You can imagine a person is a certain way and then by acting- reacting to them with that notion in mind, enhance that identity. So my mother, having this notion of a certain spirit existing within me-and believing in it, created it and made it real. She put a spirit into a place where there was initially nothing but brain mush. All parents do this to babies, and to animals.

This turned into a conversation about magic, about ecstatic experience and spiritual possibilities. I am really into Carlos Castaneda's books, and ideas of spiritual energy that is beyond what our culture defines as possible to sense and experience. He talked about an energy among beings that is in all life, vibrations that we can sense, and know. It is these ideas that make me want to think spirits exist. Most people I have talked to can sense other peoples moods in a room or in public even with eyes closed without visual cues. I think there is an energy, something beyond just physical being that exists. Maybe it is something simple like smells or radio waves emitted from the brain, but it seems like there is a an aura, something spiritual going on. I have always been fascinated by trance experience and narratives of spiritual experience in other cultures. We have so little in western society, it is not part of the narrative of our culture that is portrayed in movies or tv. When people have a venue for transforming temporarily in a trance experience, they WILL transform and that to me is the Magic of culture and social construct. Ideas shared among people transforming into an experience beyond what is normal, is the magic that I am most interested in, what I believe in.
My belief that the magic and power comes from people imagining- giving things to others, is my motivating force for living. If I can inspire others, add an energy - transform the energy in a gathering of people, anything, then I am excited to be alive. I love sharing food with people, creating moods at events. Dancing ecstatically. Sometimes I have found myself facing a group of people dancing somewhat halfheartedly and found that it is possible to change the level of energy by exploding into a group with a strong desire for more intensity and full on dance party! I believe in the power of intent. I love being caught up in a magic someone else has created. Occasionally in music shows or art that can happen. I went to one of the Chunk 666 bike rallies this summer and I found myself in a mass of people wanting to see injury, it was fun to be caught up in. A friend told me about a performance artist that set all these implements in a room for people to use on her, including knives and a gun. And people used everything on her, one person almost shooting her. She created the magic, people followed. For many months ahead I intend to create some experiences thorugh food, through dinner parties. I intend to put spirits in the food, into the forks, into the very teeth of the guests.

You can take the pig out of a pig but can you put it in your mouth?

2005-11-21T12:51:00.001-08:00

Vegetarians rejoice! Scientists in France have discovered a way to raise pigs without the part of the brain that contains the cogniscience. It is that very part that gives an animal thinking and feeling, what many people would consider its spirit, personality, or essence. Electric shock is used on the pig — although it should be called simply pork, because it its meat being raised, not an animal – to stimulate and develop the texture of the meat. Testers report “The pork with no spirit tastes the same as ones with a spirit” So now vegetarians who abstained from meat because of empathy for animals can totally eat pork soon! Pork will be just like a nice plant that is an aggregation of cells. Delicious cruelty free bacon with no spirits! I like spirits in my meat myself. I sometimes eat flowers because I liked the way they swayed in the wind and wanted that swaying inside of me.

what a jerk!

2005-11-21T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am really happy currently. Sometimes I have paroxysms of worry that I am meerely living like a horse with blinders on. I don’t read the news any more, I avoid most places that I know to make me uncomfortable. I have been loudly social in a way that establishes with others a mode of interacting that I am happy with, the oppurtunity for me to not enjoy other people is diminished. I am weaving my own reality quite aggressively. I used to be very passive, letting things happen to me, being interested in what comes out of people. Currently I find that I tend to actively extract certain strains of thought from people. I like to be surprised, I hope I am not missing out on anything.
I also seem able to travel quite freely through a range of spaces without feeling old emotional or mood responses- such as anger, fear, discomfort, dissatisfaction, which were common base responses to things like ‘group of angry looking frat boys’ ‘dense swarm of shoppers’. When I was 19 I took mushrooms at a new years party with a lot of people that I really liked. I went into this ecstatically happy state where I pranced around with the idea of a happy elf tinting my mood a shade of elf. It is almost as if that same happiness is now upon me. I am not so sociopathic as I once was, now I feel myself feeling empathy for people from a range of backgrounds, happy to talk to strangers. Where I once felt very alone in the world, I feel very connected to my city, to the people of Portland. I feel like many of my values are manifested in the community, and it makes me happy. I remember California, and feeling like everyone in the city was against me, like I should really be spat out into the ocean or packed away into a cave. School there was kind of a cave. I walked up Mississippi ave the other day and on telephone poles saw pictures of friends and art by friends used in band flyers, and I felt really happy, like my environment is made up of familiarity, of people I like. I am kind of surprised often, at the constant good feelings. I used to have a much broader range of moods. I keep remembering Pee-wee and how he laughed at every mood response- O its fun to be scared! O its fun to be angry at someone! O HAHA its fun to be really really cold! My brain is no longer capable of a normal human range of responses to life. In my current state many named emotional responses to the world do not exist, the words are gone, the responses don't exist. I think there are some retards and crazy people that feel this way? Soon I will be useful like a robot that dispenses the exact kind of seran wrap that people need!

May 04- Sept 04

2005-11-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

dancinganimals
Behind the rock, where the bear can't see me cause he's having so much fun.

I had to spend some time at my parents this weekend while they were away. I was there to feed their cat, which they said in a note- liked her water best when it is freshly drawn from a tap. When I went to fill her water bowl with fresh water she was a purring snake, circling around my feet, so excited for the water. I did some laundry and while waiting for some clothes to dry I rooted around in various storage areas of the house. In one I found absurd amounts of refuse from my years in school. There were 'getting to know me' books I had to make and exchange with other students in elementary school, drawings, flip books, classroom art projects. So much stuff. Christmas lists and boastful writing of any kind always pained me most. I would look at my output from youth, the writing, and ideas shared and thought- I was such a VICTIM. Who made me want that GARBAGE. Who made me think that was an admirable trait? What social setting? They say, I say, you are a product of your culture, then your family, then your friends. Public, Private, Private within Public, in that order. Or maybe its the parents first. There is something exhilarating about seeing a christmas list from 1989 with White Jeans on it though. I retrieved a middle school yearbook from the attic. It was an alternative k-12 school that I thankfully went to after I went crazy and couldn't go to normal school any more. There is such an amazing range of faces, it actually seems like there was some genetic diversity, people with all sorts of unimaginable skull shapes. Heads, like bowls made with only two crippled hands rather than on a pottery wheel. Every other school I have been to has been full of homogeneously normal looking people.

I found this journal from when I was in some therapy at age 11-12. It had nearly nothing in it. Maybe 5 entries. 'I had on ok day today'. 'today was O K' and then later some assertion that I had merely been lonely in middle school. Ya, thanks therapy lady, that wasn't it at all. Sometimes I think that some of the most vicious conditioning that gets people ready to be part of western civilization happens in those years. 6-8th grade. Also, hormonal change freakouts.

I found a journal in the same box from when I was like 8 or 9. It was good times everyday in that one. A water fight one day. Food fight in the backyard with all sorts of brightly dyed foods. A visit to a lake for swimming. The only bad time listed was when I went to a friends house and 'there were some annoying little kids who wouldn't go away'. My mom was a teacher so she had summers off each year while I was in grade school. This facilitated many adventures. I think there were many fun times.

There was a paper bag puppet in a pile of papers. I think it was of Abe Lincoln. I made it with such small hands.
Posted by onutt at September 8, 2004 06:48 PM

And Sand, Today

my blood is made up of finely ground garbage, pressed and squeezed so its just the juices flowing like fly guts. It makes my hand falter when I reach for the faucet to rinse underneath my fingernails.

I took my grandma to get a haircut. Afterwords the woman who gave her the haircut got into the car with her. She did not ask if she could get in, she was just there. She talked to me like I was not only a child but a person who had never opened an eye or listened to a sound. She wanted to be left off at a green house and so I kept looking for a green house and all of a sudden she said, "Here is fine!, this is it!" and rustled around for her haircutting supplies. My grandma couldn't see that well but she could see that the house we stopped at was beige. I agreed, but the hair cutter insisted, "NO! IT'S LIME GREEN" and got out of the car. She was so loud. "stop at this stop sign and then in two blocks stop and turn right!" The street was empty and the asphalt old and quite a light shade as far as streets go. The entire neighborhood buzzed and vibrated in hangover silence. A freeway hissed from 10 blocks away.

I ate a filthy fried fish meal and throughout the afternoon and evening I could feel it undulating through my digestive track. It was a violent shrew sized animal coiling about itself looking for firm ground to hold on to.

I went swimming at the end of the washougal river. It was full of meat monsters. Men who's arms hang as giant pendulous coils, almost triangular instead of linear. They drank beer and jumped from rocks. They would kick the earth and press a foot deeply into it.

My hangover hallucinations in the water included giant eels, dead bodies and tangled grass and hair erupting from the riverbed. Small fish hit me all over my body, carried against me by the current. Each time a fish hit me I flinched and shuddered.
Posted by onutt at August 14, 2004 01:29 PM

August 13, 2004

hangover # 78

stooped over, propping myself up in the shower, with my hands sliding all over my knees, i couldn't help but remember how it felt to gather liverwurst with a buttter knife.

for spreading on a cracker
Posted by onutt at August 13, 2004 10:04 AM

August 07, 2004

river adventure

I went to the river with my partner and did all the obligatory fun river games.
catching and releasing the cute little frog, scaring the cute fishes with scary hand shadows, jumping from the rope, swim into the snake pit and then scurrying out of the nasty snake pit and doing it all over again. again and again.
also, nudity

I built little dams and marveled at how fast the water could be made to shoot through little spaces.
Posted by onutt at August 7, 2004 05:50 PM

shells

I cut out the linings from all my pants and coats that have linings and made a nest. I have an angry cat that burns dark spots into the carpet. The nest is for the cat. I suspect that the cat has an understanding that my clothes will be less comfortable from now on.
The fireplace is full of urine, feces and hair. There is seran wrap taped at all the edges of the fireplace to keep the smells contained until they consume each other. The cat stares through the fireplace at the area that it put its smells. I stare at the cat's anus.
I walk barefoot at night on the streets but I still get more glass shards in my feet from walking around at home in the kitchen. I saw an illustration somewhere of how glass shards going into the foot and float through the blood stream and shred your entire body from the inside. That sounds like bullshit but every glass shard that goes into my foot makes me think I am going to die from internal shredding.

Posted by onutt at August 2, 2004 11:44 AM

uly 28, 2004

l
I bought some chemicals for making resin today. I want to pour it over everything. A plastic encased and inaccessible version of the city will be my playground. Later I will run out of food.
Posted by onutt at July 28, 2004 08:13 PM

*

Cowboy curtis remembers

Memories are said to be stronger when they are emotionally charged. During the last year I have remembered very little. Repetitive living dulls the senses.

Designation of activities: I feel I have very few opportunities to make decisions. The opportunity to take risks and accomplish things is very rare in my life. I enjoy going into situations where I do not know where I will be going, where, perhaps I will have to really pay attention to a terrain in order to navigate. Lately, I do not get to judge if a place or situation is safe or not for myself. Most places have signs allocating proper interaction for a person to have. I follow the signs, I sit, I stand, I follow a path that is laid down before me.
When life is streamlined so that the only decisions are what to buy at the store, when it hardly matters there is little to remember. I have stopped in a grocery store, basket in hand, just staring at rows of cans, thinking, what the fuck? what does it matter? -beans, pickles, tomato. fuck. Like the monotony of it just builds up and stops me completely. I cannot process. Lately I have noticed many people my age at the grocery just staring at walls of food. Eyes drifting around, considering the act of eating anything. I feel less apt at making mundane decisions than in years past.
Everywhere people are making rules to make themselves as comfortable as possible. Inevetibly these rules inflict on other's freedoms. I saw a man yell at a car that was stopped at a red light this week. The man walked down from his house into the street yelling at this guy in a convertible to "not play that shit around here" the 'shit' was britney spear's "toxic". The man was totally irate. This was near laurelhurst park. I went to a bar where there were no tables available and people were sitting on the front porch, I sat a few feet away on some grass and was told 'that is against the law, you have to come inside'. Inside, my friends and I had to stand in a hallway where we had to constantly shift positions to allow people to pass by. I was happy on the grass, more than 30 ft from the sidewalk. We are left with little opportunity for using our own judgment. I received a ticket while biking for allegedly running a red light at a T intersection where there was no visible traffic and the officer was over a block behind me.

Who is allowed their judgment?

I find few opportunities for spur of the moment thinking and decision making. If you are aware of and follow all rules of an environtment, meet expectations given at a job, the amount of decision making made by the individual can be reduced to almost nothing. I often get the feeling I am walking a path that has no brambly thickets. There are no dark mysterious woods with signs that say 'beware, spooky woods' instead of 'keep out under penalty of law'.

I am under the watchful eye of a culture that wants its people to live streamlined lives that include the minimum threats to productivity. No one wants to deal with the inconvenience of an injured person. There is more piece of mind all the time, less fear in public. Carelessness reigns.

Personal organizing:
As more and more people have computers, hand held devices, and cell phones, there are more and more catalogs that can be managed and organized. I have seen many people in public sit down and cycle through cell phone rings with concentrated expressions. I see people programming numbers into cell phones, times and places into pda's. People are recording and planning out their days and nights. Many times this organization is meant to make life easier, and in the long run, reduce the amount of thinking necessary in everyday life. At jobs, organization is often equated to efficiency.

I organize mp3s into various folders. It takes an immense amount of time. As a result I can quickly create a nice sequence of songs for a cd or tape. So? In the end, the amount of thinking and effort I have to do is decreased a great deal. Several years ago the technology was not yet available to store and catalog a huge number of songs. It is one more activity that can keep me from questioning what I am actually doing with my life. Another thing to keep me from questioning the established orderof things. I abide, I submit.

Just as many products have been introduced over the years to decrease the physical exertion required to complete daily chores, new technological products are quickly propagating that allow a person to think less about their life. Americans are terribly fat. For most people fitness and activity is found in the gym rather than in any part of their regular activities. Soon, where will thinking be found? Where will the oppurtunities for critical thinking be?

I know some beers that I like. Some meals, music, brands of chocolate. I remember all these things. Catalogued, so my choice won't really effect my emotional state. I know what I like from a limited set of options, and whatever I choose, from those limited options I will like. I cannot make a mistake. it hardly matters. I will inevitably make a good decision.

On the Pee-wee's Playhouse episode "Curtis Remembers', Cowboy curtis gets a new pair of boots. They have sequins and rhinestones. Jombi grants Pee-Wee's wish to make them appear for Curtis. He exclaims OOOOOOOWEEEE, and looks really happy. I would be happy too, with cowboy boots with rhinestones.
Posted by onutt at June 13, 2004 11:46 AM

the teeth dance and tremble »

teeth

waking up in the morning and the harder you bite down on the tooth positioner the more pain that fills your mouth and head

and the pain always effect your emotional state differently, depending on which teeth moved around the most

it is like the pain of weight lifting, or stretching, but all in the gums
Posted by onutt at June 13, 2004 11:34 AM

mmMMM Watery, mmMMM Melony, mmmMMM seedy. haha

Pee-Wee's Playhouse is on all the time here. They make fun of every mundane activity and expression on the show. Its amazing. And by making fun I don't always mean mocking. But just as the secret word makes certain words 'fun' to say on the show, almost any time a common expression or colloquialism is used, it is made fun of either by people making jokes in response or by added sounds. Pee-Wee has fun getting mad, fun being scared, and disgusted. In the last one I watched, the countess showed up behind him and frightened him, he screamed really loud and then laughed and shook his head back and forth while looking upward. Later he gave a dog some food and the camera was left on the dog eating for over a minute, close up. Then Pee-wee was shown with a disgusted look on his face. Then back to the dog, then Pee-Wee again, laughing as if to say- that was gross but it sure was fun! Sometimes Pee-Wee will make sounds simply while walking across the floor from one room to another and chuckle to himself. Even walking to the kitchen for some water can be a self amusing event.
The show seems to carry on with a bit of disdain for operating within the normal realm. I like that element. Also I like being scared, disgusted, confused, hungry, making snacks, eating them...
Because of Pee-Wee I made a rubber band ball with a friend when I was a kid, also I began talking in voices trying to mimic the various characters on the show. Globey, Floory, Randy and Pee-Wee himself were all really fun. I like how visitors or other playhouse puppets correct pee-wee when he is acting callous or mean to others. Children make mistakes all the time, it is nice to have a protagonist that shows its ok to be wrong, and that friends can help you be a better person.

hhahaha:

http://astrocat.com/samaras/images/paintings/pterri.jpg

http://astrocat.com/samaras/images/paintings/peewee.jpg
Posted by onutt at June 9, 2004 10:39 AM

May 28, 2004

"Look at that gaping hole in her face!"

a friend said this last night about a famous persons huge grin.

Yesterday I had a kind of mouth based micro nausea all day. There were many people around, smiling alot and I was seeing alot of teeth. Only, the teeth were all I could see and the crooked weird shapes they made caused my stomach to churn. Even straight teeth were causing queesiness. The curvature of gum lines and the elastic bands that hold teeth together were the most prominent things i noticed aobut people. And the shapes of these pieces oon everyone really made me feel fucked up.
I believe this is an effect of the pain in my mouth that occurs when I don't wear my retainer. I had braces about 6-7 years ago when I was a teenager. Since then I have experienced pain in my mouth when I spend too much time not wearing my retainer. The aching pain always has an effect on me. sometimes a headache, sometimes diziness. Sometimes aggressive feelings.
I have not worn it in over a month due to illness and lately, not wanting to.
Posted by onutt at May 28, 2004 04:18 PM

May 27, 2004

danger and danger

I biked to work in the rain today, which was a foolish decision. My old schwin has brakes that are 30 yrs old and when made wet, do not work. When the brakes are wet I have to use my feet to slow myself. Today I wore hushpuppies which, when wet, also do not have any stopping power. Each corner with a stop required a half a block of my foot on the ground and brakes squeezed tightly. My shoes went through many puddles and became filled with water, which totally cracked me up this morning. Also, my pants. And then a giant truck sped by me while on nw front ave and next to a deep puddle. I recieved the classic misfortunate wave of water that often happens on TV right before someone eats a mentos and pulls out an embrella or gets a prescription for anti-depressants.

I accepted the wetness because I knew that it would happen.
Posted by onutt at May 27, 2004 09:55 AM

May 07, 2004

Fever slime

Last night I found tan-green mucous slime spilling from my right eye socket. It wanted to gum up my eye and close it. If I tried to use the eye everything was blurry. I found this disgusting and infuriating. This event occured while suffering an illness I have had for the past several days. My partner had this illness too. I mentioned the eye slime and she said, o ya I had that the other day.
Well, I guess some people don't find green phlegm in the eyes all that disgusting.
Posted by onutt at May 7, 2004 08:27 PM

May 04, 2004

a similar image

I made someone a christmas card with an elephant grabbing some flowers long ago. And here, again, with the elephant and the flowers.

elephantcard

May 04, 2004

Grand Canyon

This movie presents Los Angeles as a place where you should feel constant fear. Fear of people, the environment, even daily activity. It was funny to be watching it while reading Mike Davis' Ecology of Fear: "Los Angeles and the imagination of disaster".

The following events happen to characters and are presented as life affirming and eye openeing:

2 muggings
1 shooting
1 hold up, intimidation of a white person by 'gang members'
1 earthquake and resulting heartattack
1 baby found in some bushes
1 scary bum mumbling to himself
1 near traffic accident
1 gang violence

and some bullshit ideas about life. also, based on the movie one would expect to have these things happen at least once a week. A movie maker in the movie gets shot in the leg in the middle of a busy populated street. Later he says "I am not making any more of these movies with explosions and gun shootings and celebrating violence. He says this in a movie full of urban violence and unfortunate situations. Maybe this is a great joke.

the best part of the movie was when they showed a series of fly through shots of the grand canyon at the end with some big horn sections playing

the worst was when this punk told me there was a scene in this movie that I could use for one of my movies (one about window breaking)- and that scene NEVER HAPPENED in the movie.
Posted by onutt at May 4, 2004 05:00 PM

worst real person part 2

this is sort of what he looked like. I wish I had an actual photo of him.

drradaat

Posted by onutt at May 4, 2004 12:38 PM

2 people say 1 thing each

from Keep the River on your right:
Now again I cannot answer questions, but at this moment there is no need because I go where my legs will take me and if I look ahead, it seems like time gone by, for I see myself no matter where I go, forever here.

from on of carlo castaneda's books:
Instead of telling yourself the truth, that you are ugly and rotten and inadequate, you will tell yourself that you are the complete opposite, knowing that you are lying and that you are absolutely beyond hope.”
But what would be the point of lying like that, Don Juan?”
It may hook you to another doing and then you may realize that both doings are lies, unreal, and that to hinge yourself on either is a waste of time, becauase the only thing that is real is the being in you that is going to die. To arrive at that being is the not-doing of the self.

--> april

2005-11-07T14:31:00.000-08:00

April 29, 2004

Favorite fictional character , worst real person.

I love the Kenny Rogers character that Will Sasso plays. He is an out of control monster child person who is too insane to live. He has a weird voice, speaks almost in a crazy drunken slur, his penis fell out of his pants. I laugh so hard at him. It hurts very much. However, there was this concrete puring project happenign outside my apartment today. The supervisor was nearly the same character. I will post a drawing of him soon. I could hear his shrill screaming from half a block a way. It sounded almost exactly like Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers, except that it went on for minutes on end, in an instructional tone, and also giving orders to people really loudly. " oooo noooooOOO THATS NOT RIGHT" he would yell in a high nasal freak tone. This guy had a huge pot belly and no neck or shoulders. His arms hung out at 45 degrees from his body and he had little grey sweatpant shorts. His legs looked like logs and he moved as if they were too, barely bending his knees ever, like he was in stay puff marshmellow –monster attacking the city fantasy time— all the time. He even did hilarious things like pick up pieces of metal and walk around aimlessly before making what almost sounded like "AAAAK" or "DAAAARRRR" almost retarded style. Then he would drop the thing he was hoilding with a loud clang. I wanted to tape him and share his exploits with others but at the same time I wanted to kill him.
The weird thing was I have seen him before in other parts of southeast P. working on other concrete projects. I had never seen the depth of his character or the extremes to which he is outside of the world of humans. I waited for him to walk staright into a saw horse and scream "baaaaaaa" in a non agressive, descriptive response to what happened to his belly.
Perhaps I will post a sketch of him tomorrow.
Posted by onutt at April 29, 2004 05:59 PM

April 29, 2004

He-man Trouble!

Many months ago I took some doll pieces my girlfriend had lying around, specifically, two hands and a head and I stuck them over the hand and head of an old he-man action figure. I think it looks pretty hilarious. The head is smiley and humungous and hairy and the body is all muscular and sinewy. However sicne moving from a bookcase to the front window I have noticed many people making noises of disgust and confusion outside. The windows are far from soundproof and so its hard to miss these things. "What is that" "o Weird". I was out on the porch and some people going to visit the neighbors stopped at the window and freaked out for a while. I saw them do it.

and o ya, And

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/tysonskating.wmv
Posted by onutt at April 29, 2004 05:46 PM

April 29, 2004

that boring sunrise

first entry: its only 4 am, but i am spazzing out as if it is far later, phantom smells, miasaligned reachings, colors shifting. There has been no alcohol in the house for a day or two, and I am out of 2 of my favorite teas: High Mt. Dark and Ali shan.

second entry: I watched the sun rise kind of. I walked out in the street and the brightness really hurt my eyes so I went inside and put a blanket over my shoulders in a chair. This staying up all night is the first time in many many years. And for what reason? I don't know. At 8:30 am I began washing the bathroom; toilet, bath floor. Sink I did a couple days ago. It was really disgusting in there.

I had a list of things to do in front of me. And the list was positioned so all I could see was the bathroom chores. also there is : try to get some more food stamps. A friend who was also up at 5:30 and suggested we go play tennis at six, but I was too out of it, now at 9, I am ready.

Also I am going to have to eat so much food today to stay awake. Hopefully some good food. I made three experiment meals this week from an asain cookbook. Balinese Bean soup. Stuffed squids, and finally sanbal nanas which was a bown of sliced cucumber pinapple, dried shrimp and some other stuff. all three recipes called for a fermented shrimp paste and I used some other thing called shrimp paste that was not fermented. I am not sure how much this effected the flavor but none of the meals were all that exciting. I liked the squids a lot because of the textures and tentacles, but there was nothing that made me want to keep it my mouth for a long time to explore. The Sambal Nanas I thought was kind of gross at first, all that dried shrimp, but I am starting to like it more. While staying up all night I ate a bit of that. Made me feel like I had asain person smell. Like- how people smell different based on their diets.

today I am going to break my agreement with myself to not eat at resteraunts I often go to . I need a burrito and I am so poor. Ole Ole can help me. sure.
Posted by onutt at April 29, 2004 03:58 AM

April 26, 2004

No vines grow from me

While my partner has been away I have been prone to mysterious cuts and abrasions. Today I set these cuts in the sun while I read a book.

I did a fantastic job painting my nails. They glittered and shot beams of silver through the trees.
Posted by onutt at April 26, 2004 04:37 PM

April 25, 2004

Hunting

I went hunting last night for ice creams and there were many other people also looking for ice creams. As a result there was much waiting involved in this hunting. Unlike when a person waits for an animal to appear in hunting, whether sneaking through the underbrush or hiding behind a log and under some leaves paying attention to all sounds and movements, this ice cream waiting caused people to make all sorts of sounds of impatience. Every perons in line was merely an added 2 minutes of waiting. These waiting sounds are very painful to hear. They are used by people to show discomfort and frustration, boredome with the way in which time is passing around them. The sounds are used maybe to illustrate their personally drama for themselves, perhaps for those around. This, in my mind is a terrible way to wait for ice cream. Are these people even thinking about the delicious gelato flavors that will melt in their mouth tartly bursting on their tongues and warming as it passes down the throat? I am not saying I don't use such sounds, although I try not to ever, I was just really flustered by this way of acting towards the getting of ice cream.

Posted by onutt at April 25, 2004 10:27 PM

April 25, 2004

Castle of Bernard & Constance

I attended an evening of drinking with some esteemed friends recently and these are the things I remember:
The hostess, after dancing about, and also some deft teetering now and then, brought into the main hall a withered blackened bunch of bananas. She proclaimed "Every time I acquire bananas and put them on top of the microwave to eat later, I forget them and they rot".
Indeed, the bananas were most withered. Soon after this the hostess of the evening took to her chamber, laying asleep not 3 steps from her bed. In a later venture to the kitchen the bananas had returned to their resting place on top of the microwave.
The host and I succeeded in continuing our evening with more intoxication until all manner of communication were effected as if by a thick mucoidal fog.
In riding my bicycle home, I made sputtering motor sounds with mouth for the entire ride. And at one point, I almost ran into a parked SUV, but I DIDN'T!

A prosperous evening.

Posted by onutt at April 25, 2004 06:15 PM

April 24, 2004

skimming off the cream

I recently finished a ten minute animated video. Part of my intention for making this movie was to collect and store a number of things that I find funny or that I just really like/ liked at the time of making it. I came up with the story as I a worked on it, with a rough idea of where I wanted to end up. This kept the process of working on it fun and exciting. I am not sure I like the resulting movie, but I learned a great deal in the process.
While working on the movie a large amount of my thinking and time was taken up. In any given day the number of things that occurred to me to DO generally included some aspect of the animation project, how to time a scene, what would transition one thing to the next, many mental list of things to do. Now, all activities relating to that animation are not things that occur to me to do.
There are many other activities besides working on the animation that occurred to me regularly. What I intend to do over the next several months is to cast aside all activities in their current incarnations, and force myself to develop a new set of activities, after which I may readopt those activities which I disallowed myself.

I am not trying to just find new ways of spending time, I am looking to have more activities that occur to me regularly as opportunities at any given time.

What follows is a collection of recipes I enjoy making, activities I enjoy in my spare time, and ways in which I situate myself within a given environment.

some things to not do:
Watching movies while working on drawings or art.

Biking for leisure

Thinking of using the computer for doing things I could complete with real materials.

watch TV episodes (sopranos, naruto, jem) and movies downloaded from the internet

talking extensively on the phone and then not meeting in person

attending the restaurants I like occasionally going to: ole ole, Bangkok kitchen, No fish Go fish, It’s a beautiful pizza

Some recipes not to make:

April 23, 2004

the sameness

boredom can creep up like a slime creature and cast a grey striped shadow over everything.
Which activities can ever really bare the emblem of being worthwhile, fun, good to do?
When those feelings of sameness come, where can one turn?

Everything is painted shiny colors and now matte is so exciting.

I am not bored right now, but I fear the feeling may come at any given moment. It might slow my arm reaching for a glass of water, slow it so much I might not be able to get a drink at all.

Last night I woke up very suddenly, terrified. I thought everything was on fire outside. I walked through the house and morning light coming through the furry red curtains was turned fiery orange. I was at home for a fire about 5 months ago here and the signifying elements were there. Orange light, weird noises confusion. My heart beat hard and all sorts of ideas of a burned up bombed Portland flashed through my head.

When there is snow on the ground I don't imagine any of that, ever.

tobias

I watched a not very good movie about the amazing Tobias Schneebaum, a NY artist who traveled into Peru and stayed with Cannibal tribes. They took him in and cared after him as a stranger there. There are places where the goodwill of the people determine your ability to survive. And here?

In one group that he stayed with he had some homosexual partners, and this was perfectly acceptable to the group there. Also, family units did not exist, and people could allegedly carry on a relation with whomever they wished. Also, he talked about how western people as a whole tend to feel voids that must be filled in various ways. He referred to tattoos, piercing and scarification when engaged as methods of consumer tribalism. He talked about travel and buying things and different experiences that one consumes, and it was pretty interesting. One moment I really liked was when he read some lines aloud from a book he wrote many years ago and scoffed and said “how could I write this” . I liked this because I am familiar with that feeling of confusion over some art, and how it came out of ME, changing aesthetics and whatnot.

Tobias mentioned the greetings of the people he stayed with. The men among one group cupped each others balls as a method of greeting. It takes a lot of trust to let someone grab your scrotum. Another group touched chins, I thought that was kind of nice, almost as intimate as a kiss, but more comfortable for casual meetings in my mind. If anyone ever greets me in either of these manners I would be delighted.

Also, Tobias ate some people. And he watched as one tribe decimate the men of another tribe. The carnage caused him to vomit. Anyway "keep the river on your right" is an interesting movie to watch despite the long benign segments included by the documentarians. It felt like they thought it was nessecary to ‘humanize’ him by presenting his family and friend relationships in Western culture, that he cared about people and was cared for. The good thing that came from these other people was the perception of him his friends had, the adjectives they used. Those were interesting. I intend to read his book next. Its rare to witness on film, aspects of life of peoples outside of Western civilization.
Though I hear there is some cable TV show that does just that...

Posted by onutt at April 23, 2004 01:51 PM

April 04, 2004

teenage boys crossing streets

I have seen countless young men wearing sports wear utilizing a seriously effected jog-run. This jog is used specifically for crossing the street. It is more often than not usd for crossing the street in inappropriate areas. This run involves staggering, sometimes letting the arms hang as if a frankenstien monster, or wolf creature, and goofy smile. These guys usually have basketball jersey styled shirts and shorts and are in groups of two to five. Sometimes they run in a 'slow motion' style as they get across the street. The common trait communicated by their motions say to me "crossing the street is a physical burden too great for me to cope with".

This is one way of coping with the boredome of urban terrain. Street, sidewalke, sidewalk, curb, handicapped accesible curb, curb, street, street, little bits of broken glass in street, Curb Sidewalk.

I would really like more ropes involved in getting around. Maybe some ladders. would be nice. Maybe a step up that is greater than six inches. A really sticky area

babies want to be held

*
I held a baby for the first time in many years and I found myself wanting to hold it more, even though I was not comfortable or all that happy, I felt like I had to. It was very warm and its arms moved around like tentacles.
I have heard that babies have pheromone or 'chemical superpowers' which make people want to take care of them. I can understand this. Why would anyone want to help them otherwise. I used to fear babies and I never knew why, now I know. They have power over people, inciting urges that are difficult to fight. It is possible for the baby to like you even if you don't succumb to its chemical signals though. This is the babies greatest weakness.

*

Posted by onutt at April 1, 2004 06:33 PM

March 30, 2004

flavor experiment

I am really curious about tasting the following:

Peanut butter and jelly sandwhich with peanut butter and jelly-bellys mixed in

drinking root beer while sucking a root bear hard candy

grapes eaten while sucking a grape lollipop or jolly rancher

amazin fruit or other gummy candy eaten atop their associated fruits - such as a slice or orange with several orange gummi candies on top

beef bullion sprinkled on a steak

anchiovy paste on an anchovy filet

etc
Posted by onutt at March 30, 2004 02:34 PM

March 17, 2004

ultimate animal eats your problems

*

just tell him who or what is bothering you.

March 17, 2004

Laurelhurst park is my enemy

I went there to rustle about in some bushes. Le me tell you something about rustling. Each bush rustles differently. Some of them have large dry light leaves that rustle for several seconds after a good shaking. Others have little evergreen needles that don't rustle as much as whisper. One of the bushes I shook had a bee or soemthign on it that stung my pinky finger on my left hand, causing it to swell up painfully. I sat by the pond staring at the finger for a while and then a bunch of ducks started fighting. Some geese flew over head while I obsessively stared at my stung pinky. I looked up and saw huge amounts of goose poo falling and I jumped away from where I was sitting. I just barely got out of the way. Then some young couples walked by and all of the mens were wearing sickening—buy it at the mall brand —MAN COLOGNE.

I walked home with my head held low. I will not go back to that park for at least a week.

March 02, 2004

options

I left work today intending to walk down to the river to throw rocks into it from the pier. To get there I walked through some freshly paved streets that loop through a huge field of dirt. The field is filled with chunks of concrete, sand and various types of dirt. Some are wet and orange, some grey and clay like, some sandy and dry. There are lots of piles for jumping off of. Beyond the dirt is an abondoned pier with railroad tracks on it. It looked like it might have once held a crane. The whole area felt like it hand't had human feet or human breathing, or looking on it for a long time. There were some old syringes, old cans, everything kind of slimy and scratched up as if it had brushed up against alot of gravel.
Sitting there looking at birds and barges I had several urges. The first was to throw my keys into the river, followed by my wallet, then kicking off my shoes and finally just getting naked out on the pier and diving into the river. I have this urge sometimes, to slowly cast off all the pieces of my life that glue me to an order, and to people. It is usually in some private place that feels disconected from modern civilization. I know I won't be able to take very good care of myself there. I might die in a month or so. But sometimes the idea of relieving myself of all the noise of being a modern person seems really sexy. I am able to clear my head pretty well when I even get close to such oppurtunities, and walking back to work, its like each step brings me into another cloud of concerns. Finances, Work, Creative Projects, goals, Frustrations, Social issues, everything builds up again and I feel like a towel twisted hard into itself.
Posted by onutt at March 2, 2004 03:30 PM

Jan-feb 04

2005-11-07T14:30:00.001-08:00

February 24, 2004

nightmares

this morning I woke up with all this fear and confusion from a nightmare. In it, I was in a dept. store, and for some reason I was shopping for and trying on a black goth finger armor on my pinky as well as some weird black bracelet. Both were inset with little black stones. These are fashions I have never considered, and this is partly what frightened me. What really did it though, was that I wanted these things so bad in the dream, I was considering stealing them, and in the end I paid like 75 dollars INSTEAD of stealing the jewelry, which is maybe even worse.

February 22, 2004

dog breeds: the pug

I really don't like most dogs. I have started liking pugs alot lately though. I see them often on the street and become happy each time. It is not an animal I can imagine fetching sticks or performing any dog tricks or games. Wherever I see a pug it seems like the dog is really examining the people around it, Sitting, and staring at people for long periods of time. They are such a messed up breed they probably just lapse into some kind of trance every five minutes. But they look like little monsters and I love that about them.
I pretend pugs are little orcs that like to stare at you with a lazy eye and breath with great difficulty.

February 22, 2004

Bear falling out of a tree

Last september I went to LA for week. I had a great time. One afternoon while there my friend took me to a bar that he liked. While we drank there and talked, I glanced at the television in the corner just when an amazing clip came on. A small black bear was standing on a tree branch in front of a house. The bear fell out of the tree, dropping twenty feet or more onto a giant trampoline, bounced off the trampoline with its legs all flailing wildly, and it landed on the ground, only to be tackled, and tranquilized by animal control people.
Posted by onutt at February 22, 2004 11:25 AM

February 15, 2004

some notes on television

7th Heaven on the WB:

On a typical episode of 7th heaven, everyone succumbs to a single personality trait or way of behaving. Everyone suffers or causes suffering based on this way of behaving towards another person. At the end of the show everyone admits the error of their ways, or in some rare cases there is a “to be continued…”and the lesson occurs the next show. 7th Heaven often presents a warning or demonstrates problems with acting a certain way. The confusing and hilarious thing is that everyone on the show acts rather insane all the time and it is easy to lose track of what is really the 'wrong' thing they are trying to demonstrate. And I doubt anyone would be able to relate directly to any of the characters and actually take note of the problems of certain behaviors. I think that I like the show because there is a good intent, it is just that the people on the show are kind of insane. Many of the values presented on the show are foreign to me. For instance, my friend pointed out to me that no one is treated like an adult until they are married, otherwise their lives are open to constant and total interference. They never say goodbye on the phone, however in a recent episode a character commented "how come noone in the camden fimally every says goodbye before they hang up the phone?". I think they just cut to another scene real fast. Funny!

Smallville on the WB:
I have been trying to think of characters portrayed in movies and on television who I could relate to in any way, who I would want to be friends with. I have discussed the topic several times with people and I couldn’t come up with any answers. While watching Smalleville however I noticed that the young Lex Luther character is pretty fantastic. He is a character that in almost every episode makes blatant hints that he knows some other characters secret. People are always hiding things from him and he always calls them on it. He has the money and power to totally control people who deceive him. Its brutal but interesting. The actor is great at looking intense and challenging while others on the show look simply bewildered and confused that he would confront their lies to him. In last weeks episode with a street racing theme, Clark stole/ borrowed a car belonging to Lex. Later Lex mentioned the cars absence to Clark and recieved only a blank questioning look. So he is kind of an asshole but I think I would enjoy seeing him in action on regular people. Incluiding myself. I love to be made to feel bad.

commercials:
there is a car commercial that poses the question
"how much do you love your Toyota truck (i think its toyata???)"
and one of the answers is "I put a picture of it up in my bathroom".
also there are tons of commercials on right now where men recieve attention of 'sexy ladies' for their display of a given product. Mens wharehouse has a commercial for shoes in which a man sits in what looks like a shoeshine booth and a woman sits next to him and gives him a look after which the camers is on him alone as he has a self satisfied smile. He doesn't even acknowledge her. It is silly, like those maxim hair product commercials.
Posted by onutt at February 15, 2004 01:26 AM

February 01, 2004

dog urinates on one of its own kind

At mt. Tabor I witnessed something I have never seen animals do. First a dog squatted over to take a poo. Immediately a second dog ran up to the crapping dog and put its face right in the butt as poo was falling. This is somewhat common from what I hear. Then the dog that sniffed the poo jumped away, turned 180 degrees, and urinated on the back of the first dog. Then they barked at each other and ran around in circles.

there are people who perform such acts and reap sexual pleasure from them.
Posted by onutt at February 1, 2004 07:18 PM

Comments

my wife just bought something that has animal placentas in it. it does not specify which animal but I bet it is dogs, the filthy creatures.
Posted by: chris at February 1, 2004 09:22 PM

not just placentas, "henna n' placenta"

this is extremely awesome and also, nauseating
Posted by: antimony at February 2, 2004 08:11 AM

YEA, just like those ready-to-eat bean-dip trays you can get at Fred Meyer.

January 22, 2004

Asia Argento & Samara

Asia Argento is crazy and is the daughter of Dario Argento, Italian horror film director. Her craziness lies in how concrete and simple her reactions are to various incidents in her life.

Asia Argento felt she felt she must share the tragedies she experiences by making the film “Scarlet Diva”

Scarlet Diva portrays Asia Argento’s conecption of herself and a amalgamous diary of her experiences. I can’t remember the last movie I saw where I had a clearer picture was drawn of a persons identity and formative experiences. It is the commentary track by Asia Argento that really makes the movie into something special though. The commentary is where you find out why she made the movie, what she was trying to portray and describe about herself in each scene.

Although Asia wasn't pushed into a well, she was haunted by many other images, and experiences.

For instance, Asia kills her own mother in the film. Her real life mother played the part and for good reason. “It was a kind of therapy.” she claim. As a child Asia was scolded by her mother when she was caught doing 'dirty things'. This scene is included in the movie. Asia says that she felt ashamed and the situation was not remedied until she killed her mother in the movie. Now Asia and her mother are much closer. Is this crazy? I don’t know anyone that wants to kill their mother because they were caught masturbating and then scolded. What else is someone gonna do when they walk in on you masturbating? This happens to everyone, so whatever.

A friend of hers once showed her a bestiality movie clip, most likely downloaded from the internet. Ever since she saw the bestiality movie clip it was in her head, haunting her, and she wanted to put it in her movie as a way of forcing other people to experience her tragedy. She really was disturbed by the bestiality. Asia planned to put a bestiality scene in her movie but her uncle wouldn't let her. I have seen a ton of bestiality clips and I assure you, it is hardly a tragedy to see a huge load of sperm blasts out of a horse cock.

I really like Asia’s 13 year old ideas of hardcore. She smokes all the time in a very “I’m super cool” way. And she totally ‘does it’ with all sorts of people. She is so badass she burns her own arm with a cigarette. Most people burn other peoples arms. Also she gets pregnant and when she tells her doctor he responds “another abortion?” like she has them all the time. Totally badass!

Asia has a tattoo of some angel wings. There is a story behind these. Part of it is that her dad didn’t want her to get a tattoo, that if she did she would belong in the circus, like a freak, like ‘the tattooed girl’. Getting a tattoo was clearly a major act of rebellion. She was able to conceal her tattoo “even when wearing a swimming suit at the beach with my dad” for over two years. When Dario finally saw it, Asia claims he said that she could join the circus as a freakish tattooed woman. In the movie she fucks an unattractive singer( in my opinion) and later he shows up again and sings a song about her ‘angel wings’.
its like she wants to be a fawn married to a unicorn or something.
she has some dorky wings tattooed- has singer in the movie sing about them later in the movie,

The best is when she licked her own armpit after shaving in the nude. She said it was a difficult scene. She said- that when she put on a bunch of makeup and then smeared it off her face it was “a very good example of where I was at at the time” Licking her own armpit she claimed was ‘an acceptance of herself’. or something, I don’t remember. But so great.

One strange thing is that she is totally retarded in many scenes where there are fucked up men that just want to fuck her. One scary and monstrous scene of a big hairy guy chasing her around all naked in a hotel she refers to as ‘hilarious’. I was mortified by the scene though.

There is a dream sequence where Asia opens a babie’s head in order to answer a phone. “This was a real dream, that I had.”

When she is pregnant in the movie, instead of falling DOWN stairs like in a typical movie when an unfortunate person gets pregnant, Asia turns this around and she FALLS UP some stairs with a baby inside. Brilliant. I sincerely thought that this was really great.

I shouldn’t give away all her secrets. The magic of the movie is hearing her clear cut definitions of how various experiences effected her and how she feels filming the various scenes help her work through and responded to her troubled past.

Posted by onutt at January 22, 2004 04:00 PM

Comments

"I assure you, it is hardly a tragedy to see a huge load of sperm blast out of a horse cock."

Are you STILL talking about this? I know, I know, "it's the most natural thing in the world"...

January 15, 2004

christmas card #3

"someone else loves to eat"

squirrelzomb

(# 3 with closeup)
Posted by onutt at January 15, 2004 12:32 PM

January 14, 2004

Unbreakable

now, I am not one to eavesdrop but this morning a man told a story very loudly on the bus. This story was about Lonny. Lonny attempted to kill himself many times by jumping off bridges. He jumped off every bridge in portland except the Fremont. I imagine him swimming to shore each time, with all sorts of thoughts in his head. the story went on- eventually he got some good medication that helped him, and now he doesn't jump off bridges any more.

another story that was told today by a gravely voiced woman was:
" My son got stabbed again. ITS THE BEST! he was being stalked by this guy and so he started carrying a knife and then the stalker guy got him and took his knife from him and stabbed him"
and then I thought I heard her exclaim
"I been STABBED SO MANY TIMES! " and then she laughed a bunch.
does this woman have a great sense of humor or is she telling the truth? who can say? I wasn't going to probe for the scars.
Posted by onutt at January 14, 2004 12:44 PM

Comments

"I am not one to eavesdrop" = A LIE
Posted by: Ina at January 14, 2004 12:58 PM

January 13, 2004

christmas cards

"I love to eat"
Posted by onutt at January 13, 2004 11:59 AM

xmascards

Comments

ME TOO

i am a squirrel. my favorite food is heads!!
Posted by: antimony at January 13, 2004 11:12 PM

January 12, 2004

Sapping: recommendations and instructions

there is a new sexual act that is sweeping the underground these days. It is an act called 'sapping'. One can be sapped. One can say "sap me".
The act is primarily for the mens. It is about the ultimate orgasm. The cripplingly good orgasm. So the partner- whether male or female gets a guy off in whatever manner preferred, and right before the guy begins to cum, the partner punches or rams their palm into the balls of the orgasmic man.
This increases the pleasure by putting tremendous amount of pressure at the base of the shaft. Also the crippling feeling of scrotal injury occurs at the same time as the convulsive pleasure of a good orgasm. This together is the ultimate pleasure. I have done this a few times, and damn, those orgasms made me cry for like 15 minutes. I cried because it felt so good. Sapping makes anybody cum across the room, easy.
I recommend having a partner that you trust to not punch too hard. Some experimentation on how hard to punch is recommended, you don't want to end up in the hospital!

its SAPPING!
Posted by onutt at January 12, 2004 03:11 PM

January 07, 2004

the robot armies?

girls and guys with shirts a little too short to cover their skinny non belly,
hair combed over their forehead in a thick shell shape at 45 degrees, optional bleach / dye job, maybe some product
thick attention getting belt.
tight jeans
just browse the portland area in friendster.com or myspace.com and you'll see them, making semi provocative angry faces.

there is an army building and I think they might have more plans than just partying.

Posted by onutt at January 7, 2004 01:43 PM

January 06, 2004

smashing the frozen
*
pretend I have been in a steady state of standing for the last few years. Perhaps I have not been using my brain or body to entertain myself or others, perhaps I have only been around, doing nothing more than the minimum to be a friend, or socially present. As a mannequin I would be in the warehouse, with some spider webs on me and with next years outfit in a shrink wrapped packaged next to my legless body.

for some reason I spent the last couple year trying not to act out in any way that would effect people and especially not ways that might trigger associations. I did not want my actions to be categorized by others.

One way in which this was SLOPPY: I was working off my own ideas of non categorical actions and ways of being, and I am sure others still conjured plenty of labeling upon me. Jerk, Pompous platypus, bad joke telling BITCH

I didn't want to establish a sense of character. If I noticed a pattern of responding to people I tried to stop it. I tried not to impress anyone, not to entertain others in any way that might reflect badly upon myself. I did not want to gain attention. Basically I was no fun. I have been avoiding many types of fun for a couple of years. I have been afraid to attract attention, and in that fear acted out very little. Once last year I yelled at someone downtown screaming "DON'T PISS" because a guy was pissing on a car. This is really the only interruption I have made in the world in a very long time. That is bad example actually, I do not want to yell at people, to interrupt them suddenly in any way. I only want to feel free to engage in any activity without fearing that my actions will gain peoples attention. I want to operate without fear that other people will be infringed upon. I want to do things that are not normal things to do on the street or the escalator or in the tree or on the fire escape. I abdicated my sense of fun to the complacency of everyone’s ROUTINE. This fear of gaining attention happens with friends and foes alike though. I must eviscerated this desire to not gain attention if I am to return to FUN.

Download file

the above is an example of how I plan to BE.

this is the new action that will define my physical and mental interactions. No more frozen stillness, its all about smashing upon myself inveretedly until I get to the next place, the place where I am neither standing or punching.

How could I have kept myself from using the sexy postures for so long, or the postures that make other people uncomfortable, or angry- or tired

My intent is to cast off this shell of constrained motion and speech, and return to my former self or rather a new self. This person is one that often gets lost in private fantasies. The fantasies are ones that include reevaluating my surroundings and acting upon these ideas until other people are either drawn in or repulsed by my good times.

i will not stop, no matter the company, from chewing up a piece of magazine in my mouth when I feel like chewing up the actor portrayed out of dislike.
I will no longer sit silently when I OBJECT. I have only noticed lately, that I have been living in complacency. People say things in my presence, and also TO me that offend me and I find myself just staring slackjawed back at the offenders, telling myself its all an excercise in restraint or —idon'teven know what.
What I have I done to myself? has someone done IT to me?
no matter.
I can feel in my tissues, in some layers in there, red excited flesh, looking like peeled blood oranges. These tissues want to be filled with different energies, the kind that make them vibrate and shimmer instead of sitting murky and still.
With great vibrancy, I will dance and play like a deer in a forest with other deer, squirrels and birds will all join in with the prancing and the song singing and whistling and the knitting of sweaters and the sipping of tea.

I swept snow off the street in small patches with a fir tree branch. sometimes I had difficulty but it felt like the most real thing I had done in a long time. No reminders of television or magazine photos, no commercial intrusions, jus the sound of wind whistling through the trees and the patches of black set against the a sheet of white strecthing out in front of me.
Posted by onutt at January 6, 2004 02:04 AM

January 05, 2004

the inner workings of neptune
*
from the antique power museum

January 02, 2004

I hate you squirrel, I hate you

I made an animation years ago where a lady kicks a squirrel and says 'I hate you squirrel, I hate you " and its such a cutesquirrel.
I saw that squirrel today and it was on a powerline eating a nut even though there was snow everywhere.
I hit the quirrel with a snow ball. it was fun at first just to see it pause each time as a loosly packed snow ball flew by it, but finally hitting it and watching it do an amazing acrobatic spin onto another nearby powerline was really exciting, cause then it hopped back and kept chewing the nut . some people across the street said amongst themselves " o my god I can't believe she just did that, that was totally FUCKED and wrong"
somehow they thought my girlfriend had hit the squirrel. only it wasn't my girlfriend that did it, it was ME. they walked like 4 blocks pretty close to us without saying anything. so obviously they didn't care all that much.
Posted by onutt at January 2, 2004 12:46 PM

by the way, the person who punched me in the kidney was YOU
Posted by: chris at January 2, 2004 11:33 PM

well at least I didn't get your girlfriend pregnant,

unlike you, always pushing her down stairs and punching her in the uterus to rectify situations. she's all happy and singing songs and baking stuff and then BAM, you make her cry some more telling her there will be no baby.

Posted by: cporridge at January 3, 2004 01:45 AM

and even thoug i recieve great satisfaction, laughing hysterically every time I perform a violent act against the animals in this city, laughing because I know how to 'not leave a mark', I know that I will never be as brutal as you.

for example: my girlfriend and I share the pain of a crushed larynx, esophagus AND permanently blurred vision at your hands. all while your 'girlfriend' chuckled from beneath a table.

yes, indeed it truly was
THE BEST NEW YEARS EVER
Posted by: cporridge at January 3, 2004 01:52 AM

december 03

2005-11-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

ecember 30, 2003

people holding hands

chances are, if you see people holding hands, they have probably seen each other cry.
Posted by onutt at December 30, 2003 04:31 PM

December 30, 2003

they want us to feel dissatisfied

those famous musicians, they aren't the only ones, but gosh, the things they say in interviews. I spent a couple hours in the downtown Powells reading 'culture magazines' pop, art mags, the ones with flashy fashion spreads and flattering reviews of pop stars. o the musicians, they really don't want us to achieve anything. Musicians in all sorts of genres complained about various trends in 'the scene", which in case you don't know is made up of US PEOPLE. Reviewers often made several negative remarks about what people were doing as opposed to a featured bands exciting tendency to do some other thing.
So you wanna play rock music huh? well its just so hard since "no one cares any more, no one dances' 'people at hip hop shows don't got shit to rap about' 'idm is not fresh or interesting, the scene is eating itself'. 'the dance music is filled with posers and derivative crap" .
gosh, all this negative talk, and yet what they are doing is great. building mountains of corpses to stand tall upon? is that what they want? surely, yes they feel what they do is BETTER than other things happening. the musicians often say so. I cannot use names. I cannot slander.
it is too bad all the scenes are so BAD. i don't even want to go to a show because of how the scene is SO BAD. If I hadn't gone to a show in 4 yrs and went now, yup, I would definitely see a DEAD Scene.
In Russia, many years ago, lets say, in the time of Lenins influence, many posters were made to present a new ideal for the country. The posters did not match the reality of conditions but rather the intended goal of the greater country, with great people.

the musicians and the reviewers, the writers in magazines, they are contributing towards a music 'scene' that truly does feel as bad as they make it out to be, maybe this is why people rarely dance at shows any more. A couple years ago when people were still dancing at music shows in Portland, the dancing had already stopped in LA. now it has stopped here it seems.

A travel poster can suggest the splendor of a state park, like with a buffalo and some nice fog, and how it gets you in the mood to expect to NOTICE those splendors things. And these mean musicians and reviewers, they want us to notice all this deadness and stagnation and low quality traits in what we see and for us to NOT ENJOY ANYTHING any more.
Posted by onutt at December 30, 2003 04:29 PM

December 28, 2003

instead of trite speculations

what really happened yesterday:
drank a bottle of tequila with two people. One of whom after becoming rather drunk took to filling up a shot glass and then setting it aside, on the floor nearby where he was laying down. After some time with his face on the carpet, without really getting up at all, he reached out and grabbed the shot to drink upon it. A faint smile would appear only for a moment. The other person looked at a magazine and everyone spoke to each other in a manner that was humorous and civil.
Upon finishing the bottle around 4pm we all put on odd hats and left the apt with intent to drink coffee and play with a shopkeeper's pet dog. The shop was closed and so we walked to Powells book store on Hawthorne. We discussed the possibility of one of us accidentally or purposefully making a mess of books or magazines at the store by knocking them off of shelves. I felt that I might do it without intending to. I did not cause any such mess however.
In one fashion magazine i found a series of photos taken by a friend of mine. All the photos were of men in their underwear. I think he must be happy these days. Also, the same magazine depicted many fashion parties filled with people that are very clean and dressed with some bit of fanciness. Where are all the parties were everyone smiles a little bit? I haven't been to any big parties since the CoreSample parties.
Later on that night many more people showed up at a mcmenamins where a friend used a Christmas gift card to purchase some beer and food. This new group discussed going to play pool, which I do not play, and my friend that does not play pool either, we left for downtown to watch a movie. We took the BUS. The first bus stop had some drunken guy at it who commented on our clothes, and if we had stayed there he would have kept commenting
The Regal cinema in the mall downtown shows what seems like endless commercials before a movie. This was a 10:30 showing of BIG FISH and I felt obliterated by the loud explosions and advertisements before the movie even started.
Big Fish opened with a narrators voice that in most movies means: hollywood period piece set in the south. it is a way of speaking that I have never seen spoken on tv in a real setting, such as an interview or a newscast, etc. It exists only in movies where the romantic idea of the lovable 'good ol boy' exists. He is almost always really creepy. in every sense. This old man in TIm Burtons' Big FISH, he had a face and a voice and demeanor that causes discomfort for me. I looked away from the screen during closeups, and tried to think of other sounds when he spoke because his voice was enhanced in all the most disgusting throat rattling raspy parts that are all snarly and o jesus, I could hardly stand it. Ewan Mcgregor played the same character only younger and he had a completely different , not offensive accent. also- he had a mole on his forehead that practically matched the mold on a pregnant wife of the 'estranged son'. two actors with similar blemishes? is this a fetish? whats going on? Only about 15 other people came to the movie.

We walked home from downtown, through all the vaguely threatening mobs of frat boys that wander downtown on the weekends. Similar groups have made threatening remarks and gestures towards me in the past and so i expect it of their fellows. Those with similar physical bulk and stylings.
years ago I ran into a friend of mine i had not seen since he had gone to college. He had bulked up all huge. He used to be a scrawny skater guy. What happened, I asked? and he said- that he felt fear all the time, and 'bulking up' with weight training and protein powders was the only way to feel safe. And there are tons of guys with that shape downtown, and I wonder YES I SPECULATE " did they all feel this same fear?"
The city is pretty at night, there are shadows from streetlights and other objects making beautiful silhouettes, most trees are too bare to make any sound with the wind, and when the clouds cleared off I saw the stars for what seemed like the first time in months.
Posted by onutt at December 28, 2003 12:30 PM

December 28, 2003

where broken things come from

I never had imagined life as a really huge fat person. Recently However I imagined myself with a huge painful girth surrounding my every surface. I could think only of using this mass to destroy my surroundings. Throwing myself onto car windshields which would crack instantly, ramming into street signs and feeling them buckle beneath me, trying to destroying everyrhing. I imagined little old ladies and strappping youthes indescriminately trampled. It seemed marvelous. And then I thought of normal living, of putting on socks and shoes, and I thought, this is not a fantasy I can have in any seriousness. I am an idiot.
Obviously none of these destructive powers are in the grasp of fat people or someone would have heard about it. And if someone had heard about maybe I would have too.
Posted by onutt at December 28, 2003 11:36 AM

December 09, 2003

"better check yo self"

i rode the bus to work today at 2 pm or so. While on the bus some men standing at the front of the bus started arguing. One of them got excited because he overheard the other discussing some one being dead. By excited I mean, he was telling the guy he was WRONG and that he had just seen the so called 'dead person' just yesterday in chinatown. he had waved and talked to him. and the argument ensued. 'HOW DID HE DIE? HE AIN't DEAD! MUTHA FUCKA I talked to him YESTERDAY" and the elderly man who claimed that other person --lets call him michael- was dead said "you didn't talk to NOBODY, he's been dead fo three days!" , "how can he be dead if i just talked to him!" the older man responded waving his arms about with frustration, "you talked to someone ELse, Obviously!"
"NO It was MICHAEL! he waved back!"
"I have his obituary right HERE!" yelled the older guy
the younger guy kept on sayin- " HOW did he DIE? He ain't DEAD,"
" I dunno how, HE DIED"
"how do you know he DIED"
" I read his obituary, I have it right here" and he pulled the neatly clipped newspaper obituary out of his pocket, and the other guy looked at it and exclaimed again "HOW DID HE DIE? It doesn't SAY HOW HE DIED? HE DEAD?" and the old man said "YA HE DIDE see, you betta check ya self before you WRECK yoself!", which is an amazing thing to hear an old man say.
and in the situation it was totally appropriate
Posted by onutt at December 9, 2003 04:05 PM

December 08, 2003

close your mouth please, there's something oozing out

I find myself crying, watching scenes in movies in which a retarded youth runs in a marathon, he sees a girl he is obsessed with and runs faster and wins. Ridiculous scenarios portrayed in movies make me cry, however, ridiculous situations in my dealings with real people, make me angry.
One summer I watched a large number of movies released by Troma, and I cried watching so many of them. Sometimes it was over love , as in Tromeo & Juliet, or gaining pride from a brutal father, as in Student confidential. Seeing problems quickly resolved is so 'moving'. When dealing with real problems, Problems with people, it is hard to have much patience beyond the timeframe for resolving of the problem that I would expect in a movie. As a result I experience incredible rage, during MOST situations. I nearly faint. My greatest source of rage is my own carelessness. I leave a dirty napkin in an unfortunate place, I do not clean a dish very well and there is hardened food still attached. I forget a phone call I need to make, I am confused and cannot recall something important. At these times my vision blurs, I get light headed. The worst part is, I indulge in the feelings completely. It is like I want a heart attack or a stroke. I let the feelings come on so strong I feel physically displaced. I can't even remember how I felt just a minute ago.
I like to imagine a large rotating wheel with bright colors on it, representing different moods. Beyond happiness is love, beyond, discomfort is extreme agitation. The funny thing is how each mood blends into the next. Extreme agitation is RIGHT next to OLFACTORY BLISS on the wheel. 'relationship love' is next to affinity on one side and unfulfilled expectations on the other.
Self indulgence, represented by a cream yellow is sort of overlaid over all of them like a Kleenex over a TV screen.
just as affinity and adoration lead to love, I like to think that extreme experiences of rage can lead to bliss, which on my wheel of emotions, lies just on other side. I sincerely hope the bliss is not just fainting though.
Through years of being conditioned to think that more money and also simply, advancements in technology will always lead to more happiness, more convenience, simply MORE, I tend to believe that any sort of persistence will lead to SOMETHING BETTER.
Posted by onutt at December 8, 2003 12:34 AM

blog backup up to Nov 2003

2005-11-07T01:11:00.000-08:00

November 25, 2003

a perfectly funny incident

While waiting for the bus today at a busy intersection across the street from Powell's bookstore a funny thing did happen. First, the driver of a stopped truck could not get his truck into gear because he was talking on a cell phone with his right hand trying to reach the gear shift with his left. However, a lady who had just hung up her cell phone chose me as her audience and proceeded to ridicule the truck driver, pointing out that he could not drive his truck BECAUSE he was on his cell phone. Then after a few more grinding sounds the truck got away, and then the lady who 'joked with me', said, less loudly, "of course,I have a cell phone too" and then went to put it back in her purse. But, here is the universally funny part- she dropped a giant binder of paper she was holding trying to put her cell phone away! ! hahahaha! papers went everywhere. I laughed outloud, and then I stepped forwards to make a joke at her expense but she hid behind one of the pillars of that dorky sculpture. I tried moving around the sculpture to get her while the oppurtunity to make fun of her was still open. She avoided me though. She spun around the pole, until it was far too late to all say any kind of joke referring to her mishaps.
after ten seconds it just doesn't matter any more.
Posted by onutt at November 25, 2003 05:17 PM

November 23, 2003

Winter time Glenn is a zombie version of his childhood self

On television the car makers are planning to infest everyone with a crippling fear, especially me. Giant trucks are shown from all angles, crushing and driving heavily over things. One of the camera angles shows the truck as it would be seen by a pedestrian being run over and seeing the bumper pass over head.
These same trucks crowd the streets in all colors and sizes. some have extra sets of tires on them. the trucks turn sharply around corners bouncing up and down curbs as if they are no real boundary. everytime I hear motor sounds and I cannot see the source I imagine a giant truck shooting through the air over a fence or right over from the back side of a house, and casting a huge quickly darkening shadow over me before crushing me.
Posted by onutt at November 23, 2003 09:41 AM

November 23, 2003

what I am doing, then

the disgust with everything came because the distracting thoughts of other things stopped coming. There is muzak to make shopping and some other tasks seem a more natural and human activity. Similarly there are many things to keep a person from questioning the purpose of their activities. There are lots of tv show plots, items to think about buying. Whenever this infustructure breaks down, thats when I start freaking out.

It happened recently again, and then it slowly subsided because I watched the sexy young superman on Smallville. He is so handsome, what will he do next?
with this simple thought like this I can continue most of the time at a pretty steady pace. it is much better than thinking alot about walking while actually walking. or thinking about icecream so much that you eventually feel like you had some already, and don't want it anymore. If you keep distracted enough you'll barely know you consumed it, and will be able to begin wanting more icecream or something else right way.
Posted by onutt at November 23, 2003 02:30 AM

November 20, 2003

What I Was Doing

years ago I suffered in almost every act that I carried out. Lifting a spoon to use for eating some pies, or even ice cream was torture. I looked at the spoon, and it felt like a terrible burden having to use it. 'God this is so stupid'.
I was in college, I went to classes. I carried a notebook and some pens down a hallway. I thought, this is pointless, I am going to DIE. what the Fuck am I DOING in this ugly hallway, all brown, nothing on the walls, going to a class where a person is going to describe things to me, maybe draw some pictures on a wall. I am going to sit there pretty still for a long time in a chair. The meaning of tasks were insignificant next to the physical reality of what was going on, or generally what wasn't going on.
What? I have to walk around this giant building to a little room to get a key to get into some other room where I will sit and do something for a while? how tedious how un-human, how un animal. there will be no physical result, no sensations felt. nothing seemed to have anything to do with staying alive. Eating seemed more a luxury than a necessity. this was a sadness. It stopped my art making, stopped me from having fun, causing everything to be NOT fun.
I dreaded everything
then I started forcing a new attitude
I asked myself constantly "WHAT AM I DOING?"
and the answer was the same boring answer, but looking at every act as a privilege of being young and having some money in art school in a place where survival was easy and luxuries available. "I am walking to a room to play on an old synthesizer for a while." how great is this?!
eventually the feeling of enjoyment replaced the one of nausea. of disgust with every act. it took constant repetition though. it is easy to feel that every act is a wasted motion on the way to death. Especially when the food available for eating isn't very good, or the towels uncomfortable to use after the shower that is not hot enough to boil away the badness.

would I be bored if i laboured more directly for the means to my survival? If I built my own home, raised my own animals and vegetables? There are so many tasks to complete for any living situation.
what about urban survival, eating fruits off trees, stealing pets for eating?
Posted by onutt at November 20, 2003 10:58 PM

November 20, 2003

the problem of two and the sometimes solution of three

I spend all my time judging people cruelly. I am very competetive about my public persona and style and appearance and manner and acuteness of nose, strength of pleat in pants, tone of hair, all of it. i conjur a vision of myself as a woman also, constantly. My contempt is constant. When I do not exceed in a trait I consider positive, I make insane reasonings as to why the trait actually has no imporance next to other aspects whcih I exhibit. a malformed fingernail doesn't matter next to a really large hair growing from a knuckle.

I find all these details distracting.

There are two responses in viewing others: better or worse, prettier or less pretty, taller, shorter, sexier, not sexier, bigger head, smaller forehead, more succesful, richer, poorer, stupid, smarter. The kind of smart you can respect, the kind of smart you feel is ill founded and that other 'stupids' would respect. All these evaluations come from an archetypa human model that is unique for each person. This ideal is built by experience and culture. Often this form is an idealized form of the self. Also oftentimes this model is nothing like the self and created from crazy ideas of a normal. This is why a person may appear fat to some, yet, skinny for others, amazing and brilliant to some, and despicable seeming to have stink lines drawn over them—to others.

The two responses to encountering people make up the problem of two. No matter to what extreme a person lies on either side of the archetypal, the problem of two creates a sense of imbalance in all who are observing one another.

How difficult would it be then, to think only of a gigantic bunny rabbit that is like a stack fo bean bag chairs , covered with pink fur and a stupid looking gold chain? This bunny would have a terrible sense of humor, talk about itself constantly and make lewd comments towards its own limbs that made no sense. this bunny would represent both sexes. So could you let this bunny be the standard for the normal people, the archetypal human?
what? "I hate you!?!" you exclaim, "this bunny has no relevency to peoples social standing, what does it matter that they are smaller than the giant monster bunny, or smellier or cleaner, or sexier?? how is this monstrosity going to lessen the constant feelings of hate, jealosy, superiority, and frustration in relating to others, and to myself?"
the monster bunny is only one of many possible Sometimes Solutions of Three. There is also a giant banana(half peeled) with moldy slime faces growing on it.

if the idea through which I relate to other people was a slimy non relatable entity, then I would possibly dissolve many status and evaluation processes that i typically use upon myself and others. FOR THE BENEFIT of everyone.

how could I feel angry, lonely, wealthy, corrugated, unsniffable, when the idea of the normal way to be and feel was not so defined?

I DON'T KNOW

the result could very well be a placebo zombie like state involving much knocking over of solid objects and extra close examining of the breaking and shattering that would occur.

The somtimes solution of Three coul strip me of my goals and dreams, making them seem nonsensicle as related to the blob form that now rules the brain.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE:

the problem of two is not limited to interactions with people, it can occur with peoples wares as well. Say I go to the shoe store for a pair of new Nikes, and I expect a price, I have an idea of what they are gonna cost. Then if the price is TOO HIGH, I get pissed off and start bitchin to the sales clerk, knocking shoes of the shelf, trying on shoes way too small for me and yelling- THESE DON't FIT, I AM INSULTED! WHO DO YOU THINK I AM. Cause shoe sales people live for this kind of excitement. They get to stand back and act all surprised and frightened. Really they are delighted to go home and laugh because they have a story much more exciting than any of their friends or mates stories.
But if the price of the shoes is lower than I had thought they would be, I am gonna feel nice & satisfied from this deal. Is it worth having to be faced with elation or possible sadness and anger all the time? It might be satisfying simply to go through the act of trading money for shoes and being happy with the shoes themselves, without further distraction. I could see myself engaging in all the acts of survival and trading money for things with a casual feeling, an unconcerned amorphous blob in the brain kind of feeling.

the sometimes solution of three might just make everything AWESOME.

November 19, 2003

Progress & Presence

I am trying to find ways in which to take more pleasure in the feelings invovled in the present. Instead, most thoughts are spent yearning and speculating on various paths of progress away from all conditions that are now. it is constant restlessness. agitation. i just want to be surprised. Before graduating from college i was really ready to leave, to have a new set of surprises- what would this new living situation be? I am not unhappy. However I am not surprised. and I have lived a life that has had as its greatest reward, being thrust into all new situations and getting surprised and then accustomed to a number of things. i imagine there was a time where culture led one to a state in which there was joy in routine. because routine had more to do with survival. either that or constant dread. which can also be all consuming. I don't have dread either though. If I could slowly eat and savor delicious foods ALL day, that would be nice, I can only imagine that is what rich people do.

there is one thing that wins every time:
SNOW! snow in the STREETS! on trees!
I am always excited in the snow. so much excitement.. mumbled monster songs fill the room BLARGHAHSNOW!
i can really get wrapped up in the thought of building a snow man and knocking it over. the intent is exciting. intending the body into all those motions, each one as exciting as the last. the thought of cold wetness seeping through and stinging the skin. also exciting. so much experience. another thing I remember liking alot- sitting by a pool and napping in the sun in southern California. that was real nice.
so maybe this restlessness is due to LACK OF LUXURY.
Posted by onutt at November 19, 2003 10:24 AM

the last year

for some reason I spent last year trying not act out in any way that would allow easy (in my mind) identification for other people. I didn't want to establish much sense of character. If I noticed a pattern of responding to people I tried to stop it. I tried not to impress anyone, not to entertain in any way that might reflect badly upon myself. I did not want to gain attention. Basically I was no fun. I had less fun than I did a few years ago. I have been afraid to attract attention, and in that fear did -not much of anything.

My plan is to cast off this shell of constrained motion and stifled perosnality, and return to my former self. my person of often getting lost in a private fantasy and acting it out until other people are either drawn in or repulsed.
i will not stop myself no matter the company, from chewing up a piece of magazine in my mouth when I feel like chewing up the actor portrayed.
I will no longer sit silently when I OBJECT. I have only noticed lately, I have been living in complacency. what I have I done to myself? has someone done IT to me?
no matter.
the time of change is ON.